Shells in the Ocean

Eighty-fourth

2011-03-08T09:04:00.000-06:00

Blah blah blah. Last week was a tough one on all sorts of levels. I'm not feeling any better now, except for the sun is out and that makes me happy. So does the fact that I can run outside in it. I like the idea of blogging, but I don't think it is quite for me. If this disappears, that would be the reason why. :o)

I think it's because I started this with no real intention. Now I'm half anonymous, half not, I don't feel like fully disclosing everything that's going on because I have to think about my career, then again, I'm definitely not lying at all, and refuse to do so, and it's been great "meeting" people and seeing what all lies out there in blog-land. The number of recipes I have tried and would like to try is huge. The inspiration I have to live life to the fullest is huge. I, however, do not feel like I am being a good contributor to the blog world. There are so many things I would love to just throw out there, all completely disconnected from afar, but totally intertwined to make up my life. To me, it seems like disclosing the intertwining of it all would really take my anonymity away, as anyone who knows me personally would be able to put the pieces together relatively easily.

Maybe I'm so weirded-out by all this because I prefer to keep things disconnected and compartmentalized as much as possible in my life? Haha. That is something to think about.

We'll see, I suppose. Feel free to email the blog email, shellsintheocean@gmail.com, or my personal email if you have it. Input/observations/suggestions welcome!!

Eighty-third

2011-02-28T19:09:00.000-06:00

On the past weekend...

I slept in both Saturday and Sunday. That means I skipped church on Sunday. But I needed sleep. I got my workouts in, mostly. I kinda ate "normally." I went to the opera on Saturday night, which was beautiful, but very long even for opera standards. We didn't go out afterward due to the length of the opera and the fact we were all exhausted by then (it was a very emotionally taxing story, too), although I was willing, had there been interest. I love the opera. Overall, the weekend was halfway a success.

One of the things I did not do was go to lab. I'd really like to get to the place where I enjoy coming into work/lab on the weekends again. I think I burnt out on this a couple years ago, and honestly, I miss enjoying it. The weekends in lab are quiet and peaceful. It's like no matter what I end up doing, I'm getting ahead, because I'm working on the weekend and no one else (that I can usually see) is. All the equipment is available at my beck and call. I can sing out loud (although the presence of people doesn't usually stop me). I can make big messes. I can clean up and organize anything I want.

This is not easy to admit, but I think I resent lab. The reason? It requires me to take care of it with zero credit, and taking care of the lab takes time and energy away from my own research. It's true. I don't know how to describe this with an analogy. I have so much to do to take care of the lab as a whole that I can't even take care of my project. And because I can't take care of my research to my satisfaction, I really get annoyed by both my "half-assed" (but not really) research and the lab maintenance work that takes away from jumping into my work "whole-assed." Let's face it, doing experiments late at night while tired and annoyed by taking care of everything else in the lab all day is exhausting and does not bode well for successfully completed work. Please keep in mind that my experiments get asked about by my advisor just as much as whether this-or-that lab chore has been taken care of. For realsies.

I tried for years to keep a positive attitude and retain my optimistic outlook. But I've given up. It's impossible to maintain, and in the end I feel worse because I don't feel real. I mean, I'm still an optimist, I can't help that. I can't fake my enthusiasm and enjoyment for my lab, and my project anymore. It takes too much effort. I think it contributes to my amazing ability to suppress my emotions, which really inhibits my ability to feel truly connected to people. People! I love the people! I really do, and I always feel guilty for having issues relaxing without thinking about work or getting caught up in a tizzy about it in some way. That doesn't make me any happier, naturally. It's a vicious spiral of yuck.

I realize that I am only one who can get me through this whole PhD process. There's no one helping me, literally. Just like I manage the lab, I have to manage my project and my degree progress. What I need to do is re-prioritize and not feel guilty about taking care of my degree first, the whole lab second. Don't tell me to change my attitude or "choose a different outlook," tell me to suck it up and make it happier for me. Make the change. Be the change you wish to see in the lab. Isn't that, like, a famous quote by Ghandi or something? Hahahahah.

Eighty-second

2011-02-25T15:56:00.000-06:00

This weekend, my goals are simple.

Friday

Errands on east side of town
Dryland exercises
Foam roller
Journal (and crayon)
Prep veggies for cooking
In bed by 11 pm

Saturday

Sleep in as long as I need
Grocery shop
Lab
Run 4.5 miles
Bike 30 minutes
Eat "normally"
Journal (and crayon)
Go to the opera
Be open to going out on the town afterwards

Sunday

Go to church
Swim 3000 yd
Elliptical 60 min
Eat "normally"
Lab
Journal (and crayon)
Yoga
In bed by 11 pm

I am exhausted, running on empty mentally and sometimes physically, and I just need a wee-tiny break to get comfortable and rejeuvenate myself.

I had my last physical therapy session today and she did Graston all up and down my leg. Now there is a lovely bruise on my ham-ass. You know, where your hammies meets your glutes, but neither of those places specifically. Just where they join. It's a sure bet to scare all the people at the pool!!

Eighty-first

2011-02-22T14:00:00.000-06:00

I can run twice a week for ~30 minutes per run. Today I just went 4 miles outside. I am pretty sure I was high on life.

The colder weather makes me run faster, period. Coupled to the whole new form = fast form running I'm doing these days and I was pretty dang winded by the end. But I couldn't slow down. In fact, when I got tired and tried to let myself slow down and relax, I ended up going faster. I have no idea what's going on, but I'm going to go with it. Let the run unfold as is may. In the "long run" (hahahahah), I just need to get the distance in so I can do my half-marathons in April and May. April will be slow and cozy. May I will try to race. I am comfortable with my 4 miles per run now, and will hopefully start adding the third day in next week, but it depends on my ability to get rid of the muscle sore completely between each run. I don't plan to run any more than three days per week for a while so I can focus on getting prepped for the summer triathlon season.

Today I ran in my orthotics, but new shoes. It wasn't terrible. I was actually surprised. I am interested to see how I feel tomorrow morning. I have been on the foam roller every night for the past two nights and plan to keep it up, especially while I try to rebuild the strength in my lower legs. I have been focusing during the run on really keeping my core activated and my glutes firing. I do this by focusing on a quick, light footstrike and kicking my feet up to a 90 deg bend for the pull through. This keeps my hips in much better alignment and when that happens, everything is a little happier all the way down to my feet.

I have been pretty tired the past couple weeks. I know this has a lot to do with improper fueling. Even when I'm not running, I still have about an hours worth of activity 6 days per week. I'm meeting with my dietitian tomorrow and hopefully she'll knock some sense back into me. Sometimes it just helps hearing it from an outside perspective, you know?

There's a lot of work I could be doing nutritionally to help my body heal and recover from my running injuries, but I'm having trouble using that as solid motivation. I think it's because I still have a hard time seeing myself as an athlete and a scientist, with a balance between them both making up ME.

Eightieth

2011-02-16T17:51:00.000-06:00

If anyone out there reading happens across this blog and has had neutral or negative experiences with orthotics and running, please share!?! I am beginning to think that mine are more of a hindrance. Especially as I'm breaking back into running once again.

It doesn't help that I swear they must be made of lead or some other heavy metal. Not wearing orthotics is like swimming a meet all tapered in a Fastskin. UNSTOPPABLE!!

The weather has turned around significantly this week and it is killing me being inside on the elliptical or treadmill! Blargh! Sooooo lovely outside. I cannot wait until I am pain free. Nagging Achilles soreness from the last two runs. Not all the time, and definitely the result of just running (not walking or everyday stuff). I can confidently say the everyday funk is gone! It's a matter of translating my new strength and form into the run that I am working on. Note to self: Ponder and blog about empty-mind or mind-emptying running vs. thinking-about-running running.

To correct my form while running, I have decreased dryland physical therapy and Graston to 1 x per week, and added a day of aquatic therapy. I secretly think this is so the physical therapist can Graston me that much worse on the other days without having to wait for the bruises to heal.

Underwater treadmill? Hilarity ensues. I honestly don't know what the aquatic therapy staff must be thinking with a retired swimmer, turned runner, but swimmer-for-life (don't tell) tries to do something in the pool besides swim. I was weirded out when I didn't bring my swim cap and goggles out on the pool deck. It had nothing to do with the water, me being in a swimsuit, getting my face/hair/ears wet. I was more weirded out not getting my face wet!

I feel like all I've been blogging about these past few weeks/months has been my recovery from injury this past fall. I have much more to me than that, I'm not totally ready to spill everything here. I'm not 100% anonymous here, and I'm cool with that, I also don't particularly like feeling vulnerable and there's a lot in my life that I'm not particularly happy with at the moment...

Round 2 of aqua-therapy tomorrow. Ninety-two degree F water? Yes, please. Get a cardiovascular workout? Sweat buckets, but I'll take it! Cannonballs? Probably not allowed. Definitely NO DIVING.

Seventy-ninth

2011-02-14T17:37:00.000-06:00

My hair stylist said it best on Saturday when I answered that I was ready to cut it however she thought best, as long as I could reasonably manage a ponytail: "You've got the February Funk! You want a change, anything, as long as it's different and new-to-you."

How brilliant. How true. At least the weather is looking up this week! I am resting my leg from running until aquatic therapy on Thursday. I got in 2.7 mi yesterday outside (!!!) but my soleus was screaming at me! It's tired, the poor dear. Not bad hurt, just the hurt that reminds me I'm human and haven't done this running thing in a while, much less with new form that uses "new" muscles makes my slow pace much faster than it's been!

Can't wait to race, but it's depressing how I can't fully train yet, and how everyone else I know seems to be getting to! Grumble grumble grumble.

Happy Valentine's Day! I'm celebrating next weekend with the girls. I start with a 90 minute massage, and then we meet up for pedicures, movies, pizza, bubbly drinks, and chocolate. Challenging to the mind? You betcha. Worth it? You definitely betcha. I'm counting on the massage zen to carry me through the evening, allowing me to enjoy my the company of my friends and their doggies and the tasty food.

Seventy-eighth

2011-02-11T17:36:00.000-06:00

Somewhere I decided I was tired of my orthotics. I don't like the way they fit in my shoes. I don't like the fact that they weigh a thousand pounds and are heavy on my feet. I'm not even sure my feet feel the ground the way they're supposed to anymore. So I decided to do my gym workout with no orthotics yesterday.
What happened was amazing. Utterly surprising. I got on the treadmill first, because they were all free. AAAALLLLLLL MINE! I could tell the treadmills felt lonely so I occupied one and talked to the rest of them to prevent them from feeling left out. Just kidding. Kinda. I put the incline up to 1%, and then walked for 3 minutes at a relatively quick pace. Cool. Normal physical therapy warm-up (half of it, anyway). I then turned up the speed to a 9:40 min/mile pace, which is generally my start of warming up pace. I checked in with my form, and worked on feeling all the things I was supposed to be doing. Arm drive, really tight core, quick foot placement and pick-up to 90 degrees to use my hammies and my glutes, which I have apparently neglected significantly as my running has increased. Funny.

By doing all that, I found the forward-leaning "controlled fall" feel of the run, and I had to increase the speed. A lot. I felt good. My leg was totally fine! Surprised? Me, too! Because on Tuesday I only got to 8 min on the treadmill at the physical therapist's office before the usual pain set in. Thursday, however, was different. I focused on relaxing my foot as it hit, and feeling the treadmill belt with my feet and making sure they were push off with force equally distributed across the width of the ball of my foot. Next thing I know I'm hitting the top of the treadmill with my hands at an 8:41 min/mile pace, and I'm barely breathing hard. The timer hits 12 minutes.

Where did this come from? I haven't been able to run on solid anything in about four months. Much less get up to a relatively quick pace. I always run slower on the treadmill, in general, anyway. What floored me was that I needed to go faster! I held back, to protect the leg and to see how long I could go without it hurting. That's the deal, after all. I can run until it hurts.

Sure, it hurt. I hadn't run that fast at all in ages. Much less for more than a few minutes. And I felt GREAT going on 20 minutes! But it's muscle fatigue and some general soreness from all the strength and stretching I've been doing as part of my physical therapy homework. It's NOT the tendony funk that I've been encountering when I have to stop running. I promise myself to not go over 30 minutes as long as my leg feels fine.

I get to 30 minutes with surprisingly no pain, and walk for 5 min to cool down. I'm smiling giddily and pretty much in shock at this point. My leg is still okay and I head to the elliptical for only 40 minutes instead of my usual hour. WOW!!!

Today I'm a little sore. Muscles were used that weren't used to it, and the tendony stuff is slightly aggravated. I'm not running today, of course. I won't until Sunday when the heat wave of 45 deg F hits! Amazed. Excited. I'm finally healing, folks. Finally healing. So, do I ditch the orthotics? Or test drive them with my form and resulting speed first? I'm going to test drive the orthotics outside and see what happens. Maybe I will feel even better!?!?

Seventy-seventh

2011-02-02T09:18:00.000-06:00

It appears I really have a thing for posting on Wednesdays. Funny. I have half a mind to think that it's because on Wednesday I have lab meeting and it is usually (always always ALWAYS) emotionally straining. I also start really thinking about Therapy Thursday and what I want to talk about, or do not want to talk about, and/or what should be talked about.

Wednesday is affectionately known by many as Hump Day. Completion of Wednesday's tasks means we're closer to the upcoming weekend than the previously completed one. Yippee!!

I've been getting Graston treatment on my stress fracture leg to help resolve the adhesions from the two rounds of stress fractures and the marathon training in between. Coupled with lots of strength and drill work, I am actually healing quite well. It's slow. Like I said in my last post, I've been keeping up with the cardio. All I need is for my legs to take the impact! My physical therapist is excited for how fast I'm going to run once I'm all healed. I'm pretty excited, too. I get Graston twice a week, and I end up with really lovely bruises that never really go away all the way. Thankfully she mostly avoids the newer bruises each time she Grastons me.

This was after the third round of Graston, about two weeks ago. I've had more since on other areas of that lower leg. Those bruises have faded. Until yesterday...

I like to think that the gross bruising is evidence of the amount of gunk that was in there that needed to be worked through. I'm not sure if it's accurate, but I'm pretty convinced it's true. I can feel the adhesions that she works through as she's going over them. They're big enough and frequent enough that a PT student observing the procedure can see them!

The best part is that I'm going to a wedding on Friday night as the date of one of my good friends (his girlfriend is long distance and can't make it. I'm the acceptable alternative. The girlfriend knows me well enough to be totally okay with the arrangement). My legs are going to be hoooooottttttttttttttttt. But who am I to turn down a good opportunity for dress-up? I love it!!! And I get to leave work/lab/school early. Bonus!! Well, a bonus right now. I usually stress out about taking time off work, especially for social events. I'm anticipating it to set in tomorrow night, if not sometime during lab meeting today.

Oh, lab meeting. It's the advisor's opportunity to remind the entire lab how smart he is and that he's the boss. Just in case we didn't get enough face time during the week, which is the usual occurrence, now we remember just how much we don't know about our own projects compared to the boss. As the only grad student and full-time worker (no techs, research associates, or postdocs) in the lab, and with 5 undergrads at any given time working on projects of "their own," (and thus not pieces of my project or directly under my control, and "not my problem"), I have to fight with five attention-grubbing people that I love and want the best for, but are doing absolutely nothing positive for my degree. While I truly want them to enjoy and learn a lot from doing research, I can't give up all my resources and time for them. Including the advisor's attention. I also can't teach them everything, because I don't have the time. Guilt.

Lab meeting plays into my all-or-nothing thinking like no other. I leave either motivated and enthusiastic about my project, or completely overwhelmed, guilty, stuck, stressed out, and a little depressed.

I'm really hoping today is of the positive variety! :)

Seventy-sixth

2011-01-26T03:20:00.000-06:00

There is so much going through my brain right now that I don't even know where to start.

How about here. I am tired of hurting. I just want to run. I am tired of trying and trying to no avail. What's the point? I just want to bloody run. I don't want to swim. I don't want to ride my bike. I really want to get off the dang elliptical. But I can't, so I do them all. They're all I have to keep me sane.

I realized tonight when I went to dinner (dinner!) with one of my friends that I do absolutely nothing socially fun anymore. I am a hop, skip, and a jump (or wait, a walk, limp, and step, because I can't hop, skip, or jump without hurting) away from more than a dozen bars and coffee places and restaurants. But instead of going out to do fun things with friends when I'm stressed about school or wanting to procrastinate or frustrated beyond belief, I go workout. Every single time. Of course, this doesn't bug me that much because if I want to be social, I just have to make the time for it on top of my designated workouts. Never take away a workout, though. Not an option. I have to take advantage of the limited activities I can do and the times at which they are available!

I am so tired of being hurt. I'm jealous of everyone running and training for things, because I can't help but feel completely hopeless. "I'll never run again!" Melodramatically, of course. I worry incessantly about people I know running and training because I don't want them to be injured and feel helpless and out of control like I do right now. I can't even run through the pain because it radiates and makes my ankle and knee feel like they're going to collapse. This is after about 2 minutes of running. Naturally, it's only running. Impact. I can walk just fine about 99% of the time with zero pain.

You know what? The lingering physical pain just amplifies the psychological pain that I've already been feeling about this. It's exhausting. Kind of like meal plans. They exhaust me, too. I am tired.

Please pardon my whining. Congrats to you for reading this far! <3

Seventy-fifth

2011-01-19T14:51:00.001-06:00

One too many chaturangas yesterday in yoga, I think. And one too many full lunges. I could barely hold a modified warrior 3 by the end of class. I didn't even attempt full extension. I'd have collapsed!

Well, I give myself a little leeway because in physical therapy yesterday morning I learned and practiced (a lot!) a bunch of new "dryland" exercises to get me ready to run. This included a warrior 3-like lift using a ten-pound med ball. Now, my imbalanced hips had to do a lot of work to stay square while practicing this lift. When it came time for the actual warrior 3 pose at the end of yoga class that evening, well, I was a sweaty mess by then! My core was tired, my legs were tired, and my arms were beginning to feel the full chaturanga push-up to upward-facing dog to downward-facing dog. Like whoa. Props to me, though, for doing the sequence and feeling quite pretty while doing so. I think I've finally figured out the upward-facing dog.

It's hard for me to count yoga as a "workout," although it's much easier when I leave all shaky or am sore the next day. Like I am definitely feeling today! Good thing, because I was informed today by my dietitian that yoga totally counts as a workout every single time and needs to be fueled as such. Not so sure I completely agree, but after yesterday? I'll at least consider the possibility.

Seventy-fourth

2011-01-14T19:37:00.003-06:00

I am having the Graston technique used to relieve some of the pain and stress in my leg, to hopefully allow me to run pain-free again. This is coupled with specific stretches and strength exercises to correct some biomechanical issues the physical therapist and I discovered while watching a video of me running. I am proud to say, at least, that I have superb core strength. Whether or not that means I utilize it in my run is another story.

What I have really been enjoying throughout this whole healing and recovery process is learning about the interconnectedness of the systems in the human body. The mind-body awareness that is spoken of in yoga always enthralls me. The connection between body parts, muscles, muscle systems, and movement is touched on in yoga, but not so much instructed. I haven't taken human physiology and anatomy in my coursework, so most of the musculoskeletal stuff I am learning from the experiences I've had recently with the chiropractor and now physical therapist that have really enlightened me to the connection between movement and structure and support, and the ability of the mind to control our muscles, and how everything plays a role in, well, everything.

I started running more regularly a few years ago, from a swimming-only background. The major difference, aside from being "arms-heavy" to "legs-heavy" exercise, is the non-impact to impact. Major impact. Gravity. Not to mention my athletic-competitive mindset and love of "learn by doing" approach to running. When you add those things up, with discovering a passion for running that I never had before, a very stressful job situation, a perfectionistic-give 100% all the time attitude, it's a recipe for disaster. Or injury. It was no surprise to anyone that I could run long distances comfortably. I finished my first marathon on extremely minimal training (bad choice), my second with an overall conservative pace (could have gone faster, for sure), and immediately set up my next one with even more training than the others. Having plenty of half-marathons under my belt, I thought I must have been totally fine.

Let's look at it this way: Marathon 1 (October 2008). Marathon 2 (April 2009). Marathon 3 (October 2009). Marathon 4 (November 2009). Marathon 5 (December 2009). I have to clarify that Marathon 4 and Marathon 5 have not happened yet because I have been broken before I have had the opportunity to get to another marathon start line. My first round of stress fractures were probably already present before Marathon 3. Healing that one took a couple months. I ran half marathons the following spring and summer just fine. I thought I was ready to train for another marathon. I was ready to qualify for Boston, gosh darnit!! I just needed the chance! And so I ran. Then I was a bridesmaid in my best friend's wedding and was the "Designated Dancer" on the dance floor 90% of the reception. Gettin' the party started.

My calves were sore after that wedding. My left one never got better. It hurt, then it hurt in a different way, and then it hurt so bad I couldn't run. This all took place between August and November of this past year. The chiropractor sent me back to the orthopedist, who sent me to the MRI, which showed not one but two stress fracture-y spots in my left leg. Again! Take time off. Heal. Still feel funky pain not related to stress fracture, so the orthopedist has orthotics made. Problem still not solved. Orthopedist sends me to physical therapy to have my running analyzed, and leg muscles and tendons mushed to release the adhesions that have been keeping them so tight and inflamed.

It's only now that I'm beginning to feel some release. It's January. This has been going on for months.

Watching myself run, with someone narrating how the way my foot hits the ground and how my legs absorb the shock is affected with certain movement is seriously mind-blowing. How my body takes the impact and how all of my muscles are activated in some way at some point during a stride. I've never done a sport, seriously anyway, that was running-heavy. I never thought about running form, I just ran, and was fortunate enough to be able to run for as long as I wanted.

I hope that now, with this intellectual approach to the physiology of running, I'll be able to come back stronger and faster than ever, maybe with a little more confidence from all these experiences I've learned from through this process. The body takes time to adjust to distances. My body had never heard of running more than a 5K when I started, and I went for my first full marathon no more than a year later... Running a full. Not walking, not walk-running. It had hardly heard of land activities and impact in general! Honestly, it's no wonder it's a little worn out and not sure what to do with all this gravity I keep forcing it to deal with on zero base. Sheesh! Words of advice: Take your time. Don't get hooked to soon, too fast, to too far. It'll suck you in before your body has a chance to say "Wait! I'm not quite ready yet!" Take your time and enjoy the miles your body can run. You'll get there. There is time.

Seventy-third

2011-01-09T13:41:00.000-06:00

Finishing the Aberystwyth post... I'm not really motivated, but feel bad leaving out the Constitution Hill pictures, since they're some of my favorites. Even my amateur photography and sad (at the time) digital camera could take some good pictures there!! Goes to show how absolutely STUNNING it is in person!! Side note: By the time I finished sorting through all the pictures I had from Constitution Hill, I found others that I just couldn't leave out. Then I got to reminiscing...

Most of Constitution Hill, from the bottom.

If you continue walking along Aber beach to the north, you'll come across Constitution Hill. It's got a couple walking paths to get to the top of some cliffs that overlook the bay and it was so gorgeous and peaceful to go up and just sit for a while and take in the beauty that is the setting. To my astonishment, there were hardly ever people up there, even at sunset.

There are a few old bridges to walk over on the way up. I love-love-loved them! Yes, the sky really is that pinkish-purpleish color you think it is.


Kind of looking away from the water.

Looking down the cliffs from Constitution Hill.

I particularly enjoyed being up there on somewhat overcast or weather-ful days. The lush green countryside looked even greener against the grayish white sky. The water was more colorful, too. Not Mediterranean blue, but the deep-full-ocean blue that brings you tranquility and calm, as opposed to light and airy. Keeps you grounded, I guess?

It was dark over Aberystwyth, but the sun was still peeking through the clouds farther south!

Look at the color of the water!!!

More colors! This time, look at the land towards the front, and then in the back.

I remember saying a prayer this evening.

Speaks for itself.

I apparently ended up taking most pictures of the views, as opposed to the everyday quaint beauty that are the buildings and narrow streets of Aberystwyth. My camera made many appearances at swim team socials, though! Some were fancy (theme) dress, generally my favorite. :o)

Disclaimer: I'm not exactly sober in this picture. Jenny (in pink) was my Secret Santa, and gave me this Welsh flag as part of my pressie!! I am pretty sure I was a drunk crying mess by the end of that night.

Occasionally, I went to class, too!! The buildings weren't the prettiest, per say, but the landscaping and greenery were always gorgeous. Lots of windows in all the buildings. Oh, and the entry-level floor is actually the 0 floor, and not 1. And be careful crossing the street. By the time I left the UK, I was a champion American-crossing-the-street-in-the-UK. When I got back to the US, I spent another semester doubting my abilities to cross the street in my own country! Habits can definitely be changed. It is possible!!

Good times in the biology building!!! Actually, I spent most of my time studying in the Student Union Building cafe. Naturally. That's not me or even anyone I know in the picture.

Sigh. What an experience that whole time was. Not just Aber and the great people I met there. The other places I visited (Vienna, Amsterdam, London), the independence, the beauty, the history. I learned a lot about myself and how I see the world and myself in the world. Can I go back???

Clear skies have gorgeous sunsets, but clouds amplify the color spectrum!

I'd love to run the London Marathon... Running is one of my favorite ways to see a city, and destination races are my favorite... Then take the train through Birmingham (and shop around there for a few hours) to Aberystwyth, and then make my way to the ferry to Ireland. I didn't get to go to Scotland at all, so I'd have fun going up there, too.

Night of December 23, the day I got home. Sweatpants, blanket, dog who was really happy to see me, in front of the fireplace (my favorite place at home)! I basically did the same thing the next day at my father's, before Christmas Eve church! It was an 8 hour time difference for me at the time.

Seventy-second

2011-01-06T13:27:00.003-06:00

Posts seventy-two and seventy-three will be dedicated to the time I spent studying abroad at the University of Wales at Aberystwyth. My small liberal arts university in the US had a direct transfer for students wishing to study abroad, so all I did was pay my school's tuition and fees and such, registered for the "acceptable" classes there, and I was an Aber student for Fall 2003.

I chose Aber for a few major reasons:

I didn't want to deal with a language barrier. I'd taken Japanese in high school, but that was about it. I wanted to enroll like a normal student would from that country, and not be around a bunch of Americans the whole time.
I wanted to be able to swim. Aber has a Swimming and Water Polo Club that I joined. I had never played water polo before and wanted to learn, plus I wanted to stay in shape so I could return to my school in decent shape for the competition season that spring. A swimmer on my team had done this, and said you could stay in as good of swimming shape as you wanted.
I wanted my classes to transfer. Due to some hefty academic goals, I needed the courses I took at Aber to count towards my major coursework and my university liberal arts requirements. I took Molecular Biology with lab, French 1, and European Politics. It's a standard course load for an Aber student, only they would be taking all three classes from within one area of study. Scheduling was definitely a challenge, and none of the admin understood why I would be taking courses in three majors.
Pedestrian-friendly was a must!

This was looking up the rather large hill I walked up every day to campus. No idea how to swap the photo orientation within the blog. Sorry!!

On my way to class... You can barely see a building in the background!

While I was an Aber student, I made a point to do a few things:

Join the Swimming and Water Polo Club right away. Instant friends and an instant social schedule!
Eat or drink (most) anything offered, particularly if I'd never heard of it before.
Not worry about my coursework because the most important part was that I was experiencing life totally on my own far away from my family and friends and still having a great time while doing it.
Take weekends to travel.

The swim club was one of the best things I could have done. Thanks to Facebook, I still keep in touch with those friends today. I had people to eat with, train with, and party with. My flatmates were very random... Computer scientist, pot head (among other mind-altering drugs), film studies/theatrics major, rural Montanan from the US. All nice, but I definitely hit it off better with my teammates. I was able to travel with them to two swim meets, including the British Universities Sports Association National meet, and was later invited to swim in the Celtic University Games... I was already back in the states by that point, but got a nice giggle out of it. Let's just say that the pool where BUSA was held contained this sign:

There was a bar in the same building as the competition pool. Good thing, because the Rugby World Cup was being played, and England was in the finals! Lots of dripping wet athletes watching every second of the game possible.

The meets took me to two towns, one in England and one in Wales, and we drove so I got to see a bunch of the countryside. A serious bout of swimmer's ear took me to an ENT specialist at a hospital in a town about an hour away (thank you to my teammate, Al, for driving me!!).

Aberystwyth is gorgeous. It's nestled in a valley between three hills: Two on the water, and one inland, on which sat the university. I spent a fair amount of time walking from my flat, which was just behind the waterfront flats, up one hill on one side, along the waterfront, up the hill on the other side. There is a monument called Pen Dinas at the top of one of the hills.

There are more sheep than people in Aberystwyth. Many random sheep pastures were walked through, but no one cared. Just don't forget to close the gate behind you!

The view directly out over the water, looking west.

Looking northwest towards Aber and Aber beach!! The town itself is mostly hidden behind the crest of the hill.

Looking more inland, northeast! Parts of Aber on the left.

Looking south down the coast.

Yes, the sunsets were GORGEOUS!!!!!! I'll share one here, and more in the next post. I spent so much time out on the waterfront because my dorm was literally one building from the boardwalk.

Speaking of walk, Aber is very pedestrian friendly. You can "do the town" easily in a two day weekend. It's about a 6 h train ride from Heathrow Airport, to the last stop on the tracks. It was easy to walk from the train station to the beach, as I did on my last day there with my two ginormous suitcases. My mother and sister visited and stayed in a bed and breakfast on the water.

I'll close with one of the sunset pictures I took from the boardwalk.

This is from the north side of the boardwalk, about half a block from my dorm. Even now I sink back into the amazement and wonder at how beautiful the earth and life really are!!

Seventy-first

2011-01-02T01:02:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year!!!

I had a pretty quiet New Year, and it was just what I needed. There were entertaining movies viewed, wine consumed, food consumed, sparkly bubbles consumed. I got to frolic outside with doggies between movies, hang out with a great friend, and watch only the fun part of the countdown... The last 10 minutes. :o)

I have never been a fan of New Years Resolutions, and I didn't set any this year. They just end up being rules that I don't follow completely, which makes me feel guilty or like a failure. To me, January 1 is just another day, and that's fine. I already feel victim to the swoop of thinking that starts with "Oh! Another year is over... What have I accomplished?" Feel like failure. "What do I need to do this year?" Feel anxious, then quickly overwhelmed with everything as I count up what I need to do.

Satisfaction with the start of new year for me comes with just making the effort to get things done. Today I spent time cleaning my apartment. I rode my bike on the trainer for 1:45. I had a Starbucks date with a really good friend. I tried making "healthy" brownies, and lesson learned: Brownies are not supposed to be healthy and that makes them yummy. I made shopping lists and meal planned.

I have been really having trouble falling asleep, so tonight I will bring out the melatonin to help things along. I really need to get my body adjusted to EST again. Particularly because on Tuesday I have therapy at 8 am and then physical therapy at 9:45 am. I have not woken up before 11 am since I've been back. Whoops!! :o)

It's been nice to be back so far. I'm feeling fairly comfortable in my skin and with what I have to do so I can graduate this year. I have athletic and academic goals for this year, and I might designate another post to them. Not resolutions. Goals. There are plans to meet said goals, too. Particularly because I am reminding myself that it might not be the prettiest way to get to the goals, but the point is that I get there.

I can't define the beauty of the journey. I can only travel it and live it for what it is, and know that the journey in itself is beautiful.

What I mean is that achieving the goals are part of the journey. I know that my journey will take me through my goals because I'm doing what I can to make that possible. Each day, each step, each practice, each experiment won't be perfect or beautiful or even remotely pretty. But they're a part of the journey nonetheless. The beautiful journey that is life.

Seventieth

2010-12-30T16:22:00.000-06:00

I have returned to work/school/lab now after about a week at home. It was a nice trip home, although I could feel the "I've got to get out of here" vibes creeping into my brain again by the 6th day. I kept myself occupied with daily trips to the gym, lots of cooking and baking, and occasional running.

Running. I went twice at home outside. One day I went 2.5 mi, and the other around 4 mi. The only thing holding me back is my stupid leg, which was still hurting! I made sure to wear my orthotics a whole lot, even if I was just around the house, to hopefully help the healing process, to no avail. That 4 mi run was purely because I was pissed at my leg for continuing to hurt and prevent me from running. It's not like it was hurting worse, it was just not feeling better. The 2.5 mi run I played responsible, and went until it got to the constant I'm-not-getting-any-better-but-I'm-not-getting-any-worse point. The 4 mi run started at that point.

Christmas Day was the 4 mi run day, and I have to admit that I muscled through it slightly because there would be no opportunity for me to get a gym workout in that day amidst the food and family. Whatever. Mostly, I was pissed at my leg for still hurting and not getting any better.

I had an appointment with the orthopedist right when I got back, which was nice, because I got to tell him all about the failed runs, and exactly how it was hurting (in every way except throbbing). Because he's supposed to fix it, right? He looked at me standing and on my toes in my orthotics to make sure they were doing what they were supposed to be, and proceeded to prescribe me a course in ibuprofen as well as physical therapy and gait analysis. I feel like I knew this was going to happen at the beginning, but had to wait for it to be prescribed, if that makes sense. I'm looking forward to it. The PT I'm going to be working with is actually one of the Fast Ladies that I've been trying to run with once a week. Not that I can't keep up, I can just fine. It's just that I've been broken for so long, coming back from breaking, in pain, or unable to get up for the 6:30 am departure time! Haha. Emphasis on that last one.

Overall, I had a fairly decent trip home. I was told to "take a break from all this" at school, and although I thought that was impossible, I managed to do it for about 4 days. The gym routine helped. But, the usual anxieties quickly crept back in and all I wanted to do was get away from the food, from being questioned, from being "out of control." I was ready to get back to my own space, to answering to no one but myself, to "control" of my surroundings. Heck, I was ready to get back to being in control of my research. I could only think/plan so much from afar.

That sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach returned as we drove into town (pretty standard occurrence for me), but I'm managing to somehow get in the swing of things better than ever. I think it's because in my internal conversation, I decided that I was just going to do it. Get my work done and get the heck out of the Midwest. I planned enough at home to figure out what that is I need to do, and today I am beginning to implement. I am buckling down and focusing on my work and getting back into running, none of the outside stuff. I'll deal with socializing as it comes along, but for now, I am busy. Don't lecture me about balance. I will go looking for it later. Right now I'm busy taking care of work.

Last night I didn't fall asleep until ~3 am. My first mini-goal is to get to bed around 10 pm routinely. This will help me get up earlier, which will allow me to get my workouts in early (which I like), and get to work early (which I really like). I'll let you know how it goes... Jet-lag aside, I'll let you know my progress!

Sixty-ninth

2010-12-20T13:53:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I ran about one mile before my tendon started acting up again. One whole mile! It was on a short indoor track, which is not the best of terrains (one-direction repetitive turns = no good), but for the most part, I got to run for real again. Last appointment with the chiropractor today before I go home tomorrow. He'll work my leg big time, hopefully, which will let me heal even more! I'm excited to run at home outside... I'll have decent weather, time, and soft road shoulders in the woods. I am really looking forward to that.

This morning I had a few errands to run, literally and figuratively. I walked to work, got some science started, and ran home to my car...

A couple things you should know about me, first:

I wear yoga clothes or workout clothes of some sort to work every day. Science and "nice" clothes don't mix. Bleach? Bad news. Acid? Bad news. Organic solvents? Very bad news. Irreversible protein stains? Also very bad news, but at least they come in prettier colors.
I live ridiculously close to school. It's a 5 minute or so jog to my apartment. I absolutely love this, although I'm paying for it in rent right now. I'm also not paying for campus parking or a gym membership off-campus. Therefore, I "park" at my apartment and walk home anytime I need to drive anywhere in the middle of the day.
My favorite Christmas albums are *NSync, John Denver & the Muppets, the soundtrack to Polar Express, and the entire Nutcracker Suite.

... but wait, I ran to my car! Really! I did! It hurt a little, I'm still tendony sore from yesterday, but it was much more pleasant than running indoors. I'm excited to try more of this at home, since it's way warmer there than it is here. Treadmills = no fun for tendons. They do alter your gait, despite offering a softer surface for those with sensitive tibias that can't tolerate too much sidewalk. FYI, pavement/asphalt is softer than concrete sidewalk. Get on the roads when you can. Just be careful of cars, or at least be coherent enough to get the plate numbers of the asshole that hits you. Beware of dogs.

Oh, right. After errand-ing to pick up my alterations and my dry-cleaning (I am so grown up!), I dropped the car off at my apartment and ran back to work. Hooray!!! Not the best feeling, but the recovery time is significantly less, and I do have regular moments, although fleeting, of painless running.

My time at home is going to be challenging. It's always anxiety-provoking, and all I want to do is have a workout-alone-time routine, and time to leisurely work on my research via computer, which is hard when "visiting family" requires just that: Visiting family. Which means zero alone time, practically. I have to make time, though. I have to do what I want. They have to understand that. If they want me to be who they want me to be, they have to let me do my thing so I can be fully present with them, the loving, enthusiastic, optimistic, bubbly sister and daughter that I am.

Sixty-eighth

2010-12-16T13:14:00.002-06:00

Life update.

On my PhD. I am a professional student. Or indentured servant. Take your pick. Hourly, the pay sucks and I don't like to think about it. I'm hopefully 9 months away from graduating. That would be really really nice. It all depends on the science, and on my motivation, which is the tough part. Oh, sure I want to get done, I'm just so tired of trying. I am thankful for a contact I've made through a conference I attended a couple years ago, as I get wonderful outside guidance and support which I also feel is completely undeserved on my part. Sometimes it takes hearing the same thing over and over from a variety of sources for it to sink in and really take effect on me. The things I heard this morning from him were all things I've heard in some way, some form, from my own advisor (barely, but kind of), coach, friend, therapist. Letting those words and messages from my Teammates sink in finally allows me to feel and work with my own motivation. And one can only be externally motivated for so long. Internal motivation is required for success and satisfaction. I have a goal to be done by August. That might not happen perfectly, but it gives me something to shoot for. Something to plan for accordingly. This is exciting.

On running. The chiropractor is working on getting all the junk worked out of my tendons. I have about four months of marathon training with a "leg thing" built up, and it needs to be cut loose. It's got to go away all the way, or I'll end up another stress fracture in my tibia. I didn't run on Tuesday, but did yesterday, and got about 30 seconds of complete pain-free running! I went back to the chiropractor this morning and told him that if he thought my leg could handle it and it was possible, he could work it harder than last time, and I'd be okay. He was kind of surprised that I didn't experience any bruising or real soreness after Tuesday. Apparently I'm pretty tough. Then he worked on my leg "harder" and I thought I was going to cry! Haha. It's the good hurt, though.

I will run again, 3 x (5 min run, 5 min walk) tomorrow, and it would be great if I could swim in the morning before therapy. Tonight I will bike while I bake for two of the three holiday parties I will be attending on Friday. Chiropractor thought it would be a good idea to take today and let my leg recuperate and heal from the beating this morning, but running tomorrow is totally allowed. I am in complete agreement with him. As of right now, I am incredibly sore/bruised. Based on last week's orthotics break-in schedule, I am one day behind on the running. That is just fine.

On eating. Well, it's been better. I haven't completely reverted to old habits (It helps that I refuse to spend $40 on a "good" scale, so I go with no scale, and put the money towards coffee. Or shoes), yet there are definitely other ways of "keeping track of myself." I've found myself actively engaged in the internal battle of To Eat or Not to Eat, even in the presence of people I normally eat with. I don't know what else to say about it other than I did end up confessing, admitting the challenge and difficulty in facing it, and asked them to please ask me what's going on or encourage me if they feel I'm not 100% present, but stuck in my head around food. Watching Glee is a lot less fun when one is debating that bowl of homemade vegetarian chili the entire time. The sucky part about not running now is that the other forms of cardiovascular exercise I engage in -elliptical, my road bike on a trainer, swimming- aren't as pleasing to my soul and can quickly take on a compulsive role.

I do really like food, though. It's science in it's own way, only edible. That's why baking is so fun. However, the problem isn't the food. It's the eating.

On swimming. I've gotten out of the swing of it as the weather turned ridiculously cold. I hate having wet hair and walking home or back to lab and having my hair freeze or be plastered to my head from being stuck under a hat. Serious. Although I have gotten "back into it" quite a bit since the stress fracture debacle early November. While it's easy to lose the feel of the water, it comes back after a couple of workouts. I'm not nearly as slow as I thought I had gotten. We'll see what happens here, as my teammates from undergrad want to reunite at US Masters Nationals in Arizona in May. I don't know if I'll have time or brain endurance to leave then for a 4 day swim meet. Even though I really really for realsies want to. I miss my undergrad people (teammates, friends, coaches, faculty, general ambiance) so much. So often. I think I miss the person I was then most of all, though.

On living life. As my head is filled with so much other stuff, I feel like I'm just going through the motions most of the time. I'm alive. I have friends. I feel like a bad friend a lot of the time, either unable to give my full attention to my friends here, or keep in good enough contact with my friends from undergrad. I exercise. I have a job that, when it all boils down, I am actually passionate about and enjoy. I just don't feel present at anything. All I think about while doing anything, is what I also need to/should/could do in other aspects of my life.

It all gets tied together in "living life." My immense dissatisfaction with everything that is my work situation seems to drive the eating focus. That's just one other thing that distracts me from the present. The exercise, running in particular, keeps me grounded most of all. That's why it's important for me to be able to keep it. And it's also why it's important for me to keep it separate from eating-related exercise. I have to finish my degree now so I can get out of here before I have to take time off to find myself. It's not a good sign when the situation seems hopeless, but trying to fix it seems hopeless, too. Hopefully I'll be able to rejuvenate myself a bit over Christmas. I am so excited to see my family and share presents!!! I get a thrill out of finding fun gifts that people will enjoy.

Sixty-seventh

2010-12-10T13:52:00.004-06:00

Orthotics in my shoes!

HOORAY!!!

I left work/lab/school (it's literally all the same for me) as soon as I got the phone call from the physical therapist that works with my orthopedic surgeon. I don't have to wear them in all my shoes, but I'll have to break them in, and my body into them, significantly to run long in them.

Here's the plan:

Today: 2 h "regular use"
12/11: 4 h "regular use" (in which I include mostly-walking a 5K I was planning on being cured beforehand when I signed up
12/12: 6 h "regular use"
12/13: 8 h "regular use"
12/14: All day "regular use" including the following run... 10 min walk, 5 min run, 5 min walk, 5 min run, 5 min walk. It's going to be tough.. Hahahaha
12/15: All day "regular use"
12/16: All day "regular use" including this run... 3 x (5 min walk, 5 min run)
12/17: I'll probably only wear them if I go to the gym
12/18: Run 3 x (3 min walk, 7 min run)
12/19: If I go to the gym, I'll wear 'em
12/20: Run 3 x (2 min walk, 8 min run)

I leave for home on the 21st. At some point next week I'll go to the chiropractor and have him use his Thumbs of Death to alleviate some of the tension that still inhabits my leg (posterior tibialis tendonitis). Some of that will be relieved by the orthotics, but they're not necessarily a cure-all!

I'll probably keep updating this as I go along getting back into running-shape. For now this is the plan! I am actually a little anxious to get started. What if I'm still hurting once I get to start running again? What if I go too fast and get another stress fracture? The whole plan, of course, is subject to alterations based on recommendations by everyone on Team-Happy-Healthy-Shells, all healthcare professionals except my coach/Yoda.

Speaking of Yoda, I have now seen the first two original Star Wars. Which means, I have actually been introduced to the Yoda character. Finally!

Sixty-sixth

2010-12-09T12:33:00.000-06:00

This week I spent lots of money on custom antibodies for my research. I laughed a little because I used the lab credit card, ordered online, after doing some "shopping" around the website and "research" on other sites to make sure I was ordering the correct thing (unique antigen sequence, antigen sequences located at specific spots along my favorite protein). These small things about science never fail to put a smile on my face! Just like my rhinestone chemistry goggles make me smile every time I wear them! I can't help it.

I am fortunate to be in a lab where we can afford to spend lots of money on custom antibodies (right now, at least). I am also fortunate to be the only one in the lab, so all the money gets spent on my research, and purchasing the centrifuge tubes that I want to purchase... Bwahaha.

There is nothing I love more than being able to be fully engaged in my research. Fully engaged at the bench. Up to my elbows and more in various buffers, cell cultures, the occasional dangerous chemical. It's quite fun. Life science and wet bench work demonstrate the phrase "everything in moderation." I do a lot of biochemistry, which involves making up buffers to keep enzymes happy enough to do their jobs without having the support of the entire cell surrounding them. We have to take individual components and combine them in just the right concentration to keep the enzyme happy. An enzyme that, in a cell, would be perfectly happy as can be, doing its job like it's supposed to.

These buffers, the solutions that the enzyme swims in, are made of dry chemicals in their purest form in bottles on the shelf. Think about cooking for a minute... When you're making a sauce, if you want to reduce the volume/thicken it up, you let it simmer and the water evaporates. The flavors concentrate. Well, dry chemicals are just that, super-concentrated flavors. But if you look at any given chemical bottle, there will be some sort of safety hazard. Most of them, the harmless ones, are labeled as "irritants." Even sodium chloride, which is salt, or glucose, which is sugar, or Tris or HEPES, which keeps the whole solution at a stable pH suitable for biological samples. As dry solids, in their most potent form, each of these is "bad" and has some sort of warning.

When I carefully weigh out the just right amount of each chemical, and dissolve it in just enough water, the enzyme will be just as happy as it would have been in its cellular environment.

The moral of the story? Everything in moderation. It's the key for happiness, of the cells in our bodies for sure, but I'm willing to bet that produce the thoughts in our minds as well.

Sixty-fifth

2010-12-05T21:32:00.001-06:00

All of the responsibility, but none of the power.

That is the ultimate description of my PhD experience.

You know what that feels like? No control. Added to constant pressure to do everything to influence everyone in the lab to be happy and productive. Throw in a healthy handful of perfectionism and self-criticism.

I am thankful for this learning experience. From this experience, I discovered a love of running. I've never been much of a runner, until I got to grad school. Now that I kind of think about it, I have absolutely no idea how I started "loving" running. It just sort of, happened, one day. Nonetheless, I am thankful for people that understand my need to run to deal with that stress. I am thankful for my healthcare providers considering me an athlete, and not a recreational runner. As a former collegiate athlete, this throws me off a little, I have trouble at least 50 % of the time identifying myself as still an athlete.

Let me elaborate:

I saw the physical therapist last week about my tendon issues, and he's putting me in orthotics. Apparently when I run I end up launching off the four smaller toes, instead of my big toe. He could see it in the soles of my shoes!

The physical therapist listened to my story and took me seriously. He understood that I wanted to, needed to, get back in my running shoes pain-free as soon as possible. I have goals I want to accomplish. This guy, the number one sports trainer physical therapist that everyone goes to for gait analysis in my city told me that he would help me as much as he could, he'd even rush my order and FedEx the orthotics home so I could start running even if I was gone for the holidays already.

So, dear physical therapist (and orthopedist who's helped me twice already), I hope I can tell you how much I really truly appreciate you and those probably insignificant words you chose to speak to me last week. I am reminded not just that I am an athlete, but that as an athlete passionate about my sport, I deserve care, time to heal, and to recover. Just like as a scientist, I deserve to learn, to receive credit when it's due, and to take care of myself so I can do the science that I love.

I deserve to give my whole self to my passions.

I deserve to do what I can to make that possible.

Having hope for a potential solution is better than not knowing anything.

Sixty-fourth

2010-12-01T15:53:00.000-06:00

My leg still hurts.

It's not the bone-stress-fracture-still-there hurt. It's the same tendon/muscle stuff that sidelined me in the first place.

I had to stop my 3 x (3 min walk, 7 min run) workout during the last 7 min run. It had started hurting somewhere at the start of the second run bit. And by hurting, I mean more than the general achy-ness that has been plaguing my existence for the past few weeks. This is nearing I want to cry pain.

Even as I sit here, getting ready for some gentle yoga, it hurts a whole lot. I am looking forward to physical therapy on Friday.

My leg still hurts. That makes my heart hurt.

Sixty-third

2010-11-28T21:27:00.000-06:00

And, she's BAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!

I was cleared to resume running again on Wednesday evening. I slept through my 8 am appointment (real classy), but thankfully they had the very last appointment of the day open, so I took that one. Phew! After another MRI, and some conversation with the orthopedic surgeon, I was released to run!

There was no negotiating necessary. I was all set to run 3 x per week, with heavier emphasis on cross-training, anyway. I'm even cleared to train for as many half-marathons as I want this spring. I want my long run to be about 13 miles every other week or so, and that was totally fine with him. I had already signed up for a 4.5 mile Drumstick Dash on Thanksgiving morning, so I took my first few strides then. Ten minutes of walking, 5 min run, 5 min walk, 5 min run, the rest walking. Final time was ~52 min. Since I despise walking, and was going to be all by myself while my friend raced ahead of me, I let myself have my iPod. When I could run, I let myself run. Based on some mile markers, I went around an 8 min mile pace. It felt so good.

The tendons of my leg are still a bit iffy. I'm going in for physical therapy later this week to get that sorted out. It definitely hurts less than before, but it has hit a plateau in terms of pain decrease, and not down to zero. I think the tendon stuff was being complemented with the stress fracture pain that I was probably feeling at that point. Orthopod says that I can maybe get some ultrasound massage and learn some strength and stretch exercises from the physical therapist. I'll go back to Orthopod for a follow-up just before the New Year. He would like to have a final look before he releases me to train for half-marathons (and marathons) again. I am not to be running more than 3 or 4 miles at a time by then. :) Actually fits nicely with the plan I've got myself on.

Today I ran on the treadmill. It was a gorgeous day, but I wanted the squishy and uniform treadmill surface over trails or roads/sidewalks. I also wanted to have control over the speed... No control issues here, at all! Haha. Averaged 11:15 per mile with alternating 5 min walk, 5 min run, grand total of 3.25 miles. I let myself run at the carefree pace. Not to exhaustion or over-exertion. I felt great. I wasn't breathing hard, I was just relaxed, and running. Totally would have BQ'd earlier this month. Sigh. My legs are a smidge tired now, and my tendons are definitely not all the way right, but they feel totally fine now (aside from the general "this one certain random motion makes it hurt, or if I poke it right in this one place it hurts," blah blah blah).

These are the things I'll be doing differently in terms of training:

No ridiculous jumps in weekly mileage. They always say don't increase more than 10 % each week, and it's a pretty wise rule. Bodies need time to adjust to the impact, to tell you they need more nourishment, and to strengthen muscles from the previous week's worth of runs. And it takes time. There's a reason you get sore the next day, or two days later, and not just immediately after...
On that note, when the soreness doesn't go away or loosen up after an easy run, take a couple days off to let it heal. When it's pain or soreness free, resume training. This is particularly important for me. I can pinpoint the day when the "random calf soreness" began. It never went away, just morphed.
Take cross-training more seriously. I'm actually really excited about this. I've been on my bike a bunch more, as well as been in the pool. I can't wait for the summer triathlon season, and for the spring 5K's to start again so I can see how much this benefits my running races! Maybe a June half-IronMan?
Stretch and/or yoga regularly. I'm switching yoga classes so I can have a little more schedule flexibility as well as focus my practice towards running-friendly poses. It was a running joke in my summer yoga class about my love of inversions and hamstrings, but complete inability to do hip-openers.

I get to run again on Wednesday. It seems so far away!!! I have therapy on Thursday, and that seems like tomorrow. How funny is that?

Plan for tomorrow: Swim, a whole bunch of science, yoga. Maybe some time on the bike if I feel like it! Heavy emphasis on the science, so we'll see how the rest of things work out. Ha!

Sixty-second

2010-11-22T23:13:00.000-06:00

Two days away from the MRI that will hopefully reveal that I am healed and can start running again! Ever so slowly, but I am so excited to run again. So excited.

I really hope everything turns out okay. I am extremely hopeful. Yet at the same time, there is a little bit of me that's worried. I just want to be totally and completely healthy. I want my tibia to be healed fully, and not only partially because I've got a messy relationship with food right now.

I do not feel in control of anything right now, and it's really frustrating. Franky, it's really frustrating not to feel anything but frustration. I hate not feeling like I can do anything, like I am not capable of doing anything right. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

So, I am really excited to run again. I am excited to race again. Although racing will take a while to build up to.

Sixty-first

2010-11-19T13:22:00.003-06:00

The thing about science is that you have to do it in order to be a scientist, in order to get a PhD in the Life Sciences (keeping it general here).

Where's the motivation? My motivation is out the window. I'm supposed to be motivated. What's more motivating than discovering something new that no one has ever seen before? Getting whatever it is discovered before the competition does at that other university? Getting done with my degree and getting on with my life? Getting back to a coast? Finding happiness again? Finding the joy I once had in research and academics again? It's all supposed to get me and keep me going.

Why, I must ask, is it not? I'm digging myself a hole, and the only option is to get out of the hole, because digging deeper just gets darker and darker. Here's how it looks: The depth of the hole is the number of years I have been here, increasing in number as the hole gets deeper. It's a hole because, well, my situation is not exactly optimal for achieving a PhD, but I'm managing with the cards I've been dealt. It's a hole because the longer I'm here -the longer I dig myself into this hole- the less able I am to quit and leave to go somewhere else.

It's a hole as well because the longer I'm here, the unhappier I am. And the unhappier I am, the less balanced I am in every sense of the word. The less balanced I am, the more I run. The more I run, the more I break and can't run. The more I physically am not allowed to run, the more, well, I take the stress out on myself in other ways. And those distractions keep me from doing the work that I was already not motivated to do.

I'm tired. I'm tired of wavering between believing I have legitimate reasons to be unhappy and believing that I really don't and am making a big deal out of nothing (I have been told time and again by everyone that I'm not, I just feel like I am sometimes). I'm tired of being here, but I'm tired of trying to finish and not getting anywhere. I just wish I cared enough to do something about it all.

This blog, while I began with no real direction or aim, wasn't supposed to chronicle my messed up PhD degree and my imbalanced life. I have all sorts of things I get to do, adventures with friends, adventures in the kitchen, and adventures running. Frankly, however, I'm a little stuck right now. Hopefully realizing this, being mindful of this, will help. Supposedly being aware and being mindful is one of the steps in the process of change. Somewhere in pre-contemplation or contemplation or something. Pre-motivation for change, definitely. ;) I actually have no clue!

Oh, and the horoscope in the campus newspaper is totally stalking my life. Now, I take horoscopes with a grain of salt, like I do most of what I read in the campus newspaper, it's all purely entertainment. But really. I practically am cutting them out daily to put in my journal because they are so effing hilariously accurate!!!! My coach/yoda finds my creepy-accurate horoscopes particularly entertaining to point out all the time.

Sixtieth

2010-11-08T12:31:00.001-06:00

Marathon weekend came and went. I rode my bike along the route ~3 hours or so to cheer for my friends, one running the full 26.2 and aiming for a PR of sub 3:50, and one running her very first half-marathon. I am happy to report that both ladies achieved their goals!!!!

First of all, I'd like to point out that we prefer to "boo" each other during races. There are always a gazillion people cheering for their friends and family, so many that it's often hard to pick them out of the crowd when you're running. You never see anyone boo-ing. So that's what we do. "Booooooooooooooo!!! Thumbs down! Boooooooooooo!!" You'll find the person yelling that on the sidelines real quick. You also get a bunch of reactions from people nearby, both on the sidelines and on the race course. Therefore, it's important to be specific. "Booooooo, ___(insert name here)___!!!! Booooooooo!!!" That way, everyone else around your runner will know that you're not booing for them or for the race, just that person. And if you're like us, the runner will be laughing histerically, pick up her pace, and the cheerleader (booleader) will be laughing and smiling and not be able to help a "Hooray!!" from escaping. I had so much fun.

It didn't really truly hit me that I wasn't running until Friday afternoon. It hurt. And it hurts for so many reasons. Physically, it hurts because there is still something messy with the tendons in my lower leg. It hurts my heart because I had spent all summer (and a lot of the winter) goal setting and planning to have a legitimate chance at qualifying for the Boston Marathon. Mentally it hurts because running does truly keep stress at a tolerable level. The stress from my own research, from managing the research of all my lab undergrads, the stress from dealing with an absent advisor (I do not recommend teaching yourself how to get a PhD. It is not easy), the stress from implementing the prescribed meal plan, the stress I put on myself for not having anywhere near the lives that any of my closest friends have. You know, the kind with significant others, the debate of children (I don't want them, but it would be nice to have that debate with a guy), going out to party and not feeling guilty, of being able to dance without worrying about inhibiting tibia recovery.

And yet, on Friday afternoon, I had to explain to my non-understanding advisor that I had to leave an "assignment" unfinished because (1) I cannot be at his beck-and-call, and do everything he asks according to his schedule, and (2) I had to go pack and pick up my friend to drive to Indianapolis before the Expo closed so we could pick up our packets, and I could have my bike. Then I had to put on my bestest happiest face to keep my dear first-time half-marathoner calm and as nerves-free as possible. I had to remind myself that just because I wasn't running, too, I could still be everything else I would be to my friends that I would be if I were running.

I was able to decompress a little in the car, and thoroughly enjoy getting ready to bike around the city finding spots to cheer. I enjoyed being the logistics queen, because it took the pressure off my friends. I was woefully under-dressed for biking in the 30 deg F weather, and cut out a couple cheer spots because I couldn't tolerate biking that far (my fingers were literally burning and hurting from the cold, and did for the rest of the day). I had a wonderful time. I cheered for other runners, I was thanked by a few random people that apparently benefited from my support, I found my way around the city just fine on my bike on my own. I even enjoyed breakfast out on the way back, despite not having run the race to "deserve" breakfast out.

Just because I could, I went to the gym that night. If I had run a marathon, I sure wouldn't have. But I hadn't. And I could go to the gym. So I did. I went on Sunday, too. This morning I swam. I think it's fairly accurate to say that I am trying to say "suck it" to the Universe by compensating for being unable to run by doing as much as I can of other things. I have work to do.

On the other hand, I am also trying to find my swim again, and get comfortable on the bike. Because with decreased running, I'm going to focus on triathlons this summer. Really, all I need to do is get comfortable with working the bike. And cycling will help my running. I am practically built for triathlons. Training for three sports in one will drastically cut down on my running mileage, which will keep my tibia and my orthopedist happy.

Marathon weekend came and went. I still have mixed emotions about it, my injury, and my recovery. There is so much to think about. Life may be a journey, not a destination, but I think the journey is the destination. There is plenty to distract us from our journeys that we have to work through to keep on moving. Because when you stop moving on your journey, you stop living.

Fifty-ninth

2010-11-01T16:05:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I have to confess that I actually like myself. I like the way I can adapt to pretty much any situation. I can do most things I try fairly well. I can do at least two for-realsies pull-ups at the gym at any given time. I can follow pretty much any protocol in science you give me, as long as I have the materials available. Most of the time, the protocol will work, even if the experiment doesn't. If for some reason I don't get it on the first try, I'll definitely get it on the second. I like the way I can run without really thinking about it. I like the way I was once a swimmer and am somewhat uniquely comfortable around all bodies of water (and with nudity, for that matter), yet I'm a little leery of swimming in water where I can't see the bottom. I like the way that I am capable of making the best of any situation, of seeing the best of any situation, even though I might not believe it. I like that I will laugh out loud if the mood strikes. I like how having access to a piano is important to me, even though I only play maybe once a month, and not very well for that matter. I like how it's the one thing that I don't feel absolutely driven to get any better at. I like how I can get sidetracked by science. And running. At any given time. I like how I was never really all that in to the "television" sports. I like how I can pick out the great in anyone, and see how they are beautiful. I like how I can feel all dark and twisty, and decide that I want to write a positive blog post, and do it. I don't even feel like I have to pull teeth, either. I'm stating the truth, and it's okay if I'm still dark and twisty. Sometimes I just need a reminder.

A bit of a run-on, unorganized paragraph, but that's okay with me. I needed to get out of my head for a minute, and that's what came out. Back to my western blots!

Fifty-eighth

2010-10-27T07:47:00.000-05:00

I am so exhausted I can hardly think. Much less do science. Thankfully, science is relatively simple today. Just like it was all night. I think I've slept about 7 hours in the past three nights total. Not very pleasant. I'm supposed to present this afternoon in lab meeting and I am literally cramming experiments in to see if I can get more data.

I go through cycles where I can't fathom doing experiments because I tie my self-worth to the outcome, and the outcome is usually negative. Then I freak out because I haven't produced anything in X days, so I cram complex experiments in, and those often don't work for one reason or other, too. Then I give my lab meeting presentation and feel like an utter failure because I have very little data, and I'm too exhausted by that point to care. Cue emotional and physical burnout, which lasts for a few days. Until I decide that I have A, B, C, D, EFG to do, all of which I am extremely nervous about whether or not I'd chosen the correct protocol, the right buffers, controlled for every single thing I could think of. There you will find my emotional well-being, based on the outcome of some experiment that I cannot definitively count on for a set outcome.

I would love to have these days before my lab meeting presentation without the hassle of the presentation. I could settle in to data production without having to stay up all night every night for three nights. I wouldn't feel guilty for running (or swimming right now), because I would be doing my work, taking steps forward. Eventually those little steps achieve the big goal. A routine daily schedule would sure be nice right about now.

Fifty-seventh

2010-10-25T00:31:00.002-05:00

It's not just one stress fracture. It's two. Well, almost. Literally two almost stress fractures in my left tibia. One is further along than the other, but they're both very inflamed and I am definitely not allowed to run. Thankfully, I am not allowed to run for four weeks. Only four. Last time it was six! And this time I don't have to wear the boot. I just have to make sure I keep myself reigned in. Biking, swimming, elliptical, yoga. Absolutely no impact. Which means no dancing, no frolicking, no moving quickly up and down stairs, no running.

I'm not devastated. I'm heartbroken. I did this to myself. Granted, I wasn't sitting (running!) there thinking "Tibia! Feel the stress! Break again! And again!" I was already at risk for a recurrence because I had one last year. Last year I at that time, I wasn't messing with my food as much. That first stress fracture, and the mental stress from it, was one of the last straws that broke the camel's back when it came to eating. It wasn't like I had to eat to run, I was broken and supposed to be resting. I could focus on other things (which we won't be discussing), while I got back in the pool to swim again, play around on the bike, or my least favorite, aquajog. So I'm back in the pool again, and on the bike.

The challenge with this stress fracture is greater. First of all, I'm not in a boot. I've got to keep tabs on my activity. Second of all, nutrition is an important part of healing. Even pizza has nutrients. When I get my follow-up MRI right before Thanksgiving, I don't want to have the orthopedist tell me that I have to take more time off because I'm healing slowly. Third, swimming or aqua-jogging or elliptical-ing or yoga or cycling all count as workouts, and all need adequate fueling, in addition to the healing nutrients. Fourth, let's be real, I should appreciate this time to do more science!! SCIENCE!!!

I'm trying. The fourth challenge is hard because I spend way too much energy on the second challenge. My brain can only think so much before it is simply exhausted, and has to give in. Give in and eat properly, not eat at all, accept that no work will be accomplished, give in and work all night, denying exhaustion. I'm trying to do it all and it is not easy. My "routine" running has been taken away. I feel defeated. I want to feel opportunity. Granted bad situations aren't fun, but there is always opportunity. I have an opportunity now to make significant strides with my science, and significant strides with my health. What's so scary? I want to get the heck out of this non-coastal region with a PhD, so I have got to take advantage of these opportunities now. Here I go...

(Anyone else like how that last paragraph went from sort of despair to sort of hopeful? I do.)

Fifty-sixth

2010-10-21T13:58:00.000-05:00

It's not another stress fracture, it's not another stress fracture, it's not another stress fracture, it's not another stress fracture...

Although the 2011 Boston Marathon registration closed in a mere 8 hours, the qualifying times are valid for 2 years, so if I should make the time this year, I can register for Boston 2012 without having to make the time again. Dear Universe, that doesn't mean that I want to wait to qualify until later, and that now is a fine time, physically and emotionally, for me to battle another injury. It's not a good time for me to break again. Right before the same marathon I wanted to BQ at last year.

My soul hurts. Sure I can swim still, and I do love swimming. It's just not the same. I don't get the same motivation from swimming that I do with running now, especially with eating. I can't keep putting on the happy face about it all because it's so frustrating and I am so tired of not being 100% totally real with the people that care about me.

Today I had an MRI on my leg to rule out the stress fracture. It doesn't feel like a stress fracture. I have to wait for the radiologist to look at the pictures, and send his/her report to my orthopedist. I'll know more in 24 hours. Unfortunately, the "cure" for most overuse injuries is complete rest. And that means no running. Maybe I can get them to say no running after November 6?

It's not another stress fracture, it's not another stress fracture, it's not another stress fracture, it's not another stress fracture...

Fifty-fifth

2010-10-18T20:57:00.000-05:00

I sometimes feel so completely lost and wandering, yet so completely stuck in one place. All at the same time.

Now is one of those times.

Fifty-fourth

2010-10-13T11:02:00.000-05:00

In an effort to win a giveaway hosted by Tall Mom on the Run, here's a link to the contest! It's for two headbands from the Etsy shop for TMB Endurance Bands. Posting a link on my blog gets me another entry... So go look, but don't enter! Buy your headbands instead! Because I want more chances to win the giveaway!! :o) Hee hee hee.

Okay, so they are super cute headbands, and I will probably buy one anyway!

Today I am making an effort to choose to be positive in my journey. Towards myself, towards my work, towards my running, towards the people I encounter. But let's be honest, mostly towards myself. It's harder than I thought!

Fifty-third

2010-10-11T20:40:00.001-05:00

I'm training for a marathon. The Indianapolis Monumental Marathon. It's in less than a month. At this marathon I will be attempting to qualify for the Boston Marathon. The qualifying time for my age group is 3:40:59. My coach/yoda has me on pace for a 3:35, so I have a little leeway just in case.

Marathons. Ah, yes. Why on earth would anyone want to sign up to run 26.2 miles? Why am I so compelled to run for so long, to dedicate so much time to training, when I could (should?) be working on my science so I can finish my PhD and be done with school? Interesting concept, huh?!? The fact of the matter is, running -and training- help alleviate the physical energy that is pent up while I expend countless amounts of mental energy at the bench, in lab. Running, rather training, is a constant in an ordered yet disordered day of science-ing and thinking. It has a clear direction and a starting and stopping point. I've always been an athlete. I enjoy feeling strong, getting stronger, and the rush of competing.

I am ferociously protective of my running. My advisor understands at this point that when I'm running, I'm a much happier and effective worker. For day-to-day maintenance running, it's completely joyful and fills me with life. My challenge with running maintaining that joyfulness through the training, and the biggest challenge that is taper, rest, and race. A situation I've wrestled with since I was a swimmer. Having faith in the training I've put in, trusting that my body can handle, even want or need, the rest that it will be receiving, and making sure that my body stays fueled to allow me to mentally handle things, as well as allow my muscles to continue to build and get stronger as they recover from the months of training.

Yeah. I've been having some pretty big issues with anxiety in lab. Not the agitated, physically antsy kind (those show up when I don't run), but the kind that just make you nervous internally. Scared to try, scared to succeed, scared to fail. Overwhelmed with decision-making, the time it takes just for an experiment not to work, with all the things I still have to figure out how to do and then get done before I can graduate. Frustrated with the politics, my "situation" in lab, with the jealousy I feel as I watch my classmates (entered on the same year, and who are my closest friends), begin to publish and graduate, when I feel so far away from both, frustrated with feeling overwhelmed all the time. I should be able to deal with it, but I feel stuck, completely trapped. So what's the easiest thing to take control of? Myself.

It all started that one day a few years ago, that I decided that I didn't need to eat lunch because I needed to do X, Y, and Z in lab, and that I hadn't run anyway, so food was unnecessary. I'd be fine, and I was. I've found myself even more stuck, than before. More stuck than I realized. That I had quite possibly been in the process of getting stuck for years before I recognized it. Now, I'm finally trying to get myself un-stuck, because that's the only way I'll be able to accomplish what I am capable of in grad school, in my career, in my running. It's just turning into a little more difficult than I anticipated. What was so totally in my control doesn't feel like it anymore. So I run. I can run. It's my motivation right now, to keep working towards health and happiness in work and life. And it's okay. Everyone on Team Shells agrees, including me.

Fifty-second

2010-10-01T18:15:00.001-05:00

A while ago, Katherine from Forward Foot Strides gave me a Happy 101 blog award! My very first award... I am very honored, I didn't really think anyone read this thing! My own blog is so scattered, much like my life at the moment, so it's not necessarily easy to follow, either. I never know what I'm going to end up writing about when I sit down with the decision to type up a post. There is no one specific theme I try to stick to, so I have no idea if anyone cares to read, much less follow the random posts that I generate.

The guidelines that come along with this award are to:

List ten things I like.
Pass it along to ten other bloggers.

I'm already anxious about figuring out the ten things that I like. Disclaimer: I clearly like waaaaaay more than ten things. I might not even include running on the list, or any of the things in the header of my blog, because I consider those a "given." :) So, without further ado, and in no particular order...

I like getting back in touch with people. There are so many chapters in my life already, and so many main characters (aside from me, hee hee). I love being in one chapter, and being reminded of or reconnecting with the characters from earlier chapters. It brings up this amazing reminder about the interconnectedness of the universe and how every single experience we have and interaction with another person shapes us in some way.
I like traveling. I'm fiercely independent, almost to a fault. Traveling suits this immensely. Particularly to countries where I don't know the language. Hilarity! I'll try my best and come prepared, and I have no problem wandering around streets pretending to be a local when really I have no idea what the heck I'm doing, and probably no idea where the heck I'm going. I love it all, especially making friends that you never expected to make but will cherish as they are a critical part to the memories of that location.
I like the ocean. That's really no surprise. It's ginormous-ness humbles me.
I like breakfast. It's my favorite meal. I like how it can be savory, sweet, small, big, and really be any sort of thing. It's particularly my favorite thing after a running race.
I like stirring. Soups, coffee or tea, sauces, anything on a warm stove, batters and doughs. Something about the monotonous action of stirring makes it meditative for me. Rhythmic. Weird? Probably.
I like gifts that reflect the giver. One of my favorite gifts to receive is a mix CD or playlist of the giver's favorite tunes. Not only does it broaden my horizons, but then I get to remember the giver every time I hear those songs. I find new favorites, new-to-me bands, and love trying to figure out how or why that song or band is a favorite of the giver.
I like wine tasting. So, what I really like about wine tasting is learning how the grape varieties turn into wine and what makes the different flavors that make each wine from each winery and vineyard unique. My interest is completely scientific, and completely about the ambiance and setting. Usually wine tasting is done in the presence of friends, which means there is always good discussion, humor, and some sort of random adventure.
I like science. A lot. I was so convinced I was going to be a doctor for so long. Then I discovered pipetting. And gel electrophoresis. And signal transduction. Don't even get me started on cell cycle. I came to grad school. I had a bunch of, we'll call them "adventures" that have put me in not the best place. Yet at the same time, I am completely convinced that I am going to be a professor of a research lab at a university. I love the opportunities I have with science.
I like sitting in coffee shops drinking coffee, writing letters, chatting, crosswording. People watching is also critical. As much as I love being independent, I absolutely love being "a regular" at a coffee place because I spent hours upon hours there working on my qualifying exam three summers ago. It's so welcoming, like there's a little extra love put into my coffee cup.
I like life conversations. I'm not the best at sharing myself, but I'm getting there. I love hearing how my friends have arrived to the particular points in their life journeys. The self-revelations, the milestones, the steppingstones.
(I'm an overachiever, what else is new). I like running. It's been getting questioned a lot lately, and I'll have to share my list of Things I Love About Running sometime here, but I really like it. Getting outside. Losing my breath. Getting it back. Feeling strength in myself.

To the following people, I pass on this award:

YOU!!!

For reals. If you read this, you're nominated. Hahahaha! Yup, you. The one reading this very last sentence!

Fifty-first

2010-09-26T10:50:00.001-05:00

Sometimes the most uncomfortable thing to do is exactly what I need to be doing. So often, these things are in my best interest for the pursuit of health and happiness, but it is hard to see it due to the discomfort. The result is usually not as dreadful and horrible as I anticipated. Meetings, presentations, confrontations, performances, social events, races, swim meets.

The funny thing is, it really does apply to everything in life. There are just some of the uncomfortable things that I am more comfortable with than others. This is where every person in the whole world differs, I think. I'd rather walk around naked in a world full of clothed people than, say, have work/life conversations with my advisor. I remind myself after every yoga class that "I am exactly where I am meant to be, exactly when I am meant to be there," and it is very grounding. In the moment, it can be hard to remember this... But those times that I can remember, I am very comforted. Not going to lie, though, sometimes I can remember that I am exactly where I am meant to be, exactly when I am meant to be there, but I argue against it. Generally with profanities.

I had a big discussion with my advisor/boss/PI last week, something I was dreading discussion of, and nothing I ever really wanted to talk about with him, but it went far better than I expected, and I'm quite proud of myself for being so organized and following the outline I had put together. The result reset our communication to a similar wavelength, and the semester is looking better.

Here is a link to Mel's OutsidePR Giveaway: Tall Mom on the Run

Fiftieth

2010-09-24T00:08:00.005-05:00

Scientifically, the cells that make up your body need the food you eat every day. Let me explain why, in very basic terms. Please know that I am in no way a dietitian. I'm a biochemist. I'm also typing this on a whim, without any textbooks, and I'm too lazy to look at Wikipedia. I thought about using ChemDraw to make some sweet molecules to look at, but I'm tired.

In general, there are three major components of food: Carbohydrates (sugar molecules in various conformations), fats (lipids), and protein (amino acids). Those three components are the building blocks of all cells. Seriously. There are so many types and variations of those three basic molecules, and they are all used by the cells that make up your body to do things like, oh, say survive or something.

Carbohydrates/sugars: All get converted to glucose. Glucose molecules get metabolized first in a process called glycolysis (sugar breakdown). Then they go through a lengthy circular process (has to be done twice to use up one glucose molecule) called the tricarboxylic acid cycle (or Krebs cycle or citric acid cycle). The product of this cycle then gets used to make energy. Yup. You heard me. Sugars/carbohydrates/glucose make energy. Straight up ATP: Adenosine triphosphate. A whole bunch of it, actually, through what is called oxidative phosphorylation. ATP hydrolysis, the process of converting adenosine triphosphate to adenosine diphosphate, is a chemical reaction used by cells to allow them to do things. Like heal, grow (or don't grow, depending on the cell), move, and divide.

Proteins: These little buggers are what the cell uses to do the things it does. Proteins are made out of a string of amino acids. Amino acid string design is determined by DNA sequence. We're all the same, but we're all different... That will be a post on it's own someday. So this string of amino acids spells out words, and like the words we say, they each have a tone associated with them, and in protein language, this determines the structure of the protein (what it looks like). The appearance of a protein is kind of important. If it doesn't look good, it can't do it's job right. So what do proteins do? Interact with other components of cells, like proteins or lipids, to cause the cell to do stuff. And if they're missing things like hands and their job is to grab and pull things, that job is not going to get done in that cell. Not saying like hands-free proteins are bad or wrong or defective or anything, but the only thing these proteins know how to do is grab things, it's all they want to do. Unlike people, proteins can't develop adaptations to get the job done. No brain.

Yeah, so anyway, proteins. They're totally important. They are the things that make up glycolysis and the citric acid cycle and oxidative phosphorylation. For realsies! They are all over and inside all the cells that make up your body. Granted, we don't take the proteins we eat directly and use those whole proteins to do the cells' jobs, but the cells break down the proteins into individual amino acids that get strung together in human-protein language. So, eat your proteinaceous foods so your cells can make human proteins to do human cellular functions. Functions that include loving, dreaming, moving, living, and feeling.

Is this blowing your mind yet? It totally blows mine all the time. I'm writing this from memory of undergraduate biochemistry courses mixed with a little cell biology and animal physiology. I don't work on this stuff. Well, that's a lie. I do work on proteins, but a very special class of proteins that have very specific jobs in cells that are not related to metabolism and energy production. My proteins use the energy in ATP to do their jobs to help the cell choose to survive or not survive. It's kind of cool, and kind of a big deal... Hahahahaahahahahahah!!!

Fats: It's time. It is true, too. Cells use fats... We'll call them lipids... To make up their membranes. Membranes are those things that cells have to keep the outside out and the inside in. Even on the inside, there are even more membranes that are made of fat, oooohhh, lipids, to keep certain cellular functions isolated from others. You don't poo where you sleep. Your cells don't, either. And cholesterol! It's there, too. It keeps your cell membranes at the proper fluidity. You don't want hard membranes, but you don't want liquidy membranes, either. You want juuuuusst riiiiight membranes! And you need fats to make them. Granted, the fats we eat get converted several times by proteins in our cells (the same ones from before) to different types of lipids that our cells use for specific locations and functions. It's still fat. Lipids.

This post could be so much more, but there are textbooks on this stuff. And tons and tons of primary literature that can be found on PubMed. Check it out! The human body is amazing. It does incredible things. Like thinking. Moving. Cooking babies (I'm not pregnant or anything, just know some people who are having or just had kiddos). Telling itself when to survive, and when to die, if necessary, in ways that keep the surrounding cells happy and healthy. The human body puts up with a ton of abuse, too. Alcohol, smoking, stress, exercise, "bad-for-you" foods. It's brilliant!

The human body is so resourceful, resilient, and beautiful.

Forty-ninth

2010-09-10T15:44:00.002-05:00

A wise mentor-friend-Yoda once told me (okay, tells me repeatedly) that, "You are not your thoughts." To which I said, "Okay, fine. If I'm not my thoughts, then what am I?"

Am I my actions? Well, that's possible. But there is something about actions that aren't all that controllable: Breathing, other random bodily functions, ew, those soothing rituals like methodology of making one's go-to-standard-everyday breakfast in the morning. I make and eat my cereal the same way. Every day. If it's toast, there's a methodology to the way I eat it. Bottom crust first. When I was a kid and actually ate doughnuts, I ate them the same way, every time: Chocolate-frosted top last. There are also the not-so-healthy actions, like skipping social outings because I must run, or the skipping lunch because "I must get X, Y, and Z done first." Some people can't control their actions simply because of illness or injury. Conclusion: Maybe I'm not my actions, I sure wouldn't want to be defined by them, even if some of them are good and what I would be okay being defined by... Service, teaching, etc.

Again, so what/who am I? I guess the answer is, "I am who I am." I am my being. My being strives for happy and healthy. The way my being strives for happy and healthy may not exactly follow the actions that I would want to define myself by. That sounds really awful, but really. My being strives to be a contributor to the world, and not a detractor, yet some actions admittedly are more detraction than contribution.

So if it is my being that is striving for happy and healthy and picks certain thoughts and behaviors to resonate within me, I think I can take comfort in knowing I can at some level choose to accept and reject certain thoughts and opportunities (in general, called memes) that are presented to my being (by any sort of thing, nature and nurture) to act upon. And if I can't always choose to accept the truly happy and healthy memes over the opposing memes, maybe I can at least be willing to be able to choose the happy and healthy instead of the unhappy and unhealthy.

This is so much fun to think about...

Forty-eighth

2010-09-02T17:15:00.000-05:00

When I'm "all grown up" and have my own lab and grad students to train and post docs to supervise, I'm going to be very particular about the undergraduates I allow to work in my lab. Don't get me wrong. I love undergrads. I was one once, myself, and not all that long ago. The undergrads in my lab keep me entertained, help me move my furniture into my new apartment (all but one are men), and provide endless opportunities for me.

I practice my patience. "Yes, I will tell you for the tenth time how to wash pipets."
I pretend to be nagging mother. "DO YOUR OWN DISHES AND WIPE UP YOUR SPILLS!!! YOUR MOTHER DOESN'T LIVE HERE!" Grad students do!
I play love doctor when the have girl trouble. "She's just not that into you. But look at it this way, now you'll have more time for experiments in the lab!"
I practice teaching. "Let's go re-learn how to wash pipets. I'll show you while you write down everything step-by-step in your lab notebook so you can do it yourself next time."
I design experiments that create learning opportunities. C1V1 = C2V2, and "You have to make three buffers that have four ingredients each that are all at varying starting concentrations."
I play hall monitor. "Please don't touch the doorknob with your contaminated gloved hand. Take your glove off first!" and my all-time favorite, "If I told you that blood you are experimenting with had some atrocious disease, would you wear gloves? That's why you must wear gloves for every experiment."
I play tattletale. "Someone left mystery white powder all over the balance area!" Cue whiny, annoying voice.
I play all-knowing Wizard. "The concentration of water, young one, is 55.5 mol/L."

My issue is that there are so many undergrads in my lab. And I am the only full-time person. This makes me the lab manager, the lab technician, the go-to question answerer, the senior grad student (never mind that I started working in the lab and immediately put on that hat, despite there being a grad student three years my senior), the post doc and experiment troubleshooter, the knower of all phone numbers and department contacts, and oh, I water the plants, too.

Yet there is something that draws me to this profession. Despite being miserable and lacking so many academic and physical nutrients for a vast majority of my PhD experience thus far, I still can't picture myself doing anything but having my own lab one day. I doubt and doubt and doubt everything, but the one thing I'll actually still cycle around to eventually, is my ability to be a good Principal Investigator.

At least now I know what not to do, and what I'm looking to have in my own lab environment. If only I could have the chance to get my own stuff taken care of before I'm too exhausted from taking care of the entire lab for my absent PI. Then, maybe, one day I will graduate.

Forty-seventh

2010-08-29T09:46:00.000-05:00

I'm in Louisville, KY this weekend to support my running coach/yoda/friend as she completes the Louisville IronMan. It has been an experience.

I've never been to a race purely as part of the Support And Gear (SAG) team. I was always participating. Okay, once I was part of a water-stop crew in a half-marathon, but that was slightly different. It's been an eye-opener this weekend, for a multitude of reasons.

First of all, I want to know where my athlete is at all times. When I'm racing, that's easy. I am where I am. Between mile X and mile Y. Approximately Z minutes into the swim. Whatev. It doesn't matter, because I am the athlete. It is extremely challenging to keep a steady eye out for your athlete. It's really easy to feel extreme guilt for missing a transition or a pass-by. I find myself making mental notes: "When I do this I'll..." Why do I need to decide to do an IronMan? Do I really want to sit on a bike for 7+ hours? And then run a full marathon? Why do I instantly develop an ulterior motive for myself, instead of being completely and fully feeling the honored and happy that I am as a witness to this journey of a very special person in my life. I don't doubt the feelings being present, I just wish I could truly revel in them. The path quickly leads to:
I could...
I want to...
I need to...
I have to...
I will...
Which is totally self-absorbed, in my book, and numbs the amazing feeling that it is to truly share in another person's journey. It takes "being competitive" to an extreme I'm honestly kind of ashamed of. It's not that I don't want her to do it or enjoy the journey. I do. I want more than anything for this 15 hour race to be a pleasant experience for her, let her learn things about herself, and enjoy the scenery. I just want to do it, too.

Second of all, it's one thing to be nervous before your own race, but it's a total different story to be nervous before the race of someone else. Let alone someone you care about. I have always hated "feeling embarrassed or nervous" for other people. For example, when the person singing the national anthem messes up and goes undeniably off-pitch. Pre-race nerves suck enough for your own race. When you have no control of the race performance, and it's the performance of someone you care about, AND you can't see them and be with them on the course the whole time, it sucks. I'll do it again out of love, for sure, but it wouldn't be my favorite way to spend the day.

Third of all, what does it all mean? Well, it's about letting go of control. It's about living in the moment. It's about trusting yourself and letting yourself love others fully, and feel the same love they feel for you. It's about appreciating being able to witness such a profound experience for so many people, some of which might not finish the race. It's about a lot of things, aside from simply being nervous and wanting to do it, "too."

I sit here in the hotel while my co-SAG crewmembers nap after we dropped our athlete off at the start, cheered through the swim-bike transition, and headed back to the hotel.

Forty-sixth

2010-08-25T08:14:00.000-05:00

I read Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert a long time ago. I was nervous about the movie coming out because I thought it could have easily missed the essence of the story.

It didn't.

It was amazing. Beautiful settings, beautiful music. Even the script was pretty dang good. For the 2 hours and some change that the movie lasted, I was hooked. I laughed, I cried (Okay, I did this most, but I'm blaming that on some other things on top of a good movie), I felt, I sympathized, I identified (The entire time, it was like watching a different version of parts of my oh-so-still-very-young life).

Go see it. But first, read the book!

This is my cousin. She's in Madagascar with the Peace Corps. She is one of the most amazing people I know. We're going to run a marathon somewhere once she's done working. Destination unknown, but our favorites right now are Europe-centric. Suggestions welcome!

Forty-fifth

2010-08-18T19:45:00.000-05:00

It's been a long while since I've posted on here! A very long while, indeed! My life has been very cluttered this summer. I haven't taken any real solid vacations, but several long weekends. One to go home and celebrate my mother's college graduation. Two nights out of town to be a bridesmaid in one of my best graduate school friends' wedding... Totally worth it and I had the best time! Two nights for a half-marathon a four-hour car ride away. It feels like a lot of time away. Looking at it from the outside, it's not really. My therapist doesn't count them. Then again, I doubt she'd count anything where I wasn't doing something for someone else in the process. I don't think I've taken a real vacation- You know, one where you don't take work along with you in case you "might" get a chance to do it and you don't leave home with any work-related goal whatsoever for the vacation (like reading two manuscripts or something)- in a very long time. Even in undergrad, I always had school-related goals for my vacations.

When I look at my life map like that, I am intrigued. No wonder I have no motivation to do my work. I'm too busy trying not to think about it for a wee bit of time. My poor mind needs a break. It's not like I don't enjoy science, because I do immensely. My project is even pretty cool, or at least it will be when I can get it to work. I spend too much time thinking about the next thing I could do, what I should have done for that last experiment, what I have to do first, second, third, this paper I still need to read, and that paper that I need a refresher on. And when I'm not thinking about science/work/my degree, I'm thinking about my career. I'm thinking about how I wish I could be a better friend because I feel so detached when I'm trying to have a social life.

My social life revolves 80% of the time around people involved in science. They are great people. But we talk about science and work a lot, and that stresses me out. One can only chatter about the office gossip for so long before the complaining about advisors/departments/labmates/projects begins. Misery loves company. So do bitterness and cynicism. It's easy to get sucked in. It's also really hard to let go of. Not the bitterness, but the thought process. Yeah, so it's hard to let go of expecting everyone around you to be comfortable when I'm saying things about how we got a piece of junk mail the other day about the best way to isolate fecal DNA. No, really. We really really did. Or how I drew blood from two people on Monday for some experiments with red blood cells. Just call me phlebotomist!

The solution? Find non-science friends and take the time to develop those relationships. Not easy when your only human interactions involve only science people. But I have. My fueling guide-turned trail running buddy-turned running coach and friend has somehow allowed my life to expand outside the lab. It scares me, but I like it. She knows about everything. About school, about my goals in sport, about my issues around food (it was the therapist who told me to get in touch with her in the first place, after all). Having someone who knows everything, that lets all those areas of my life connect, is totally foreign to me. I'm getting used to it, but the actual getting used to it makes me antsy. Is it okay? Am I okay? Do I deserve this? What if... ?????

Forty-fourth

2010-07-13T15:53:00.000-05:00

I am currently obsessed with Mat Kearney's music. Pandora him. The result is amazing. Seriously! Lyrics like whoa.

Neglecting the blog in favor of a written journal recently, but the written journal lacks good documentation of living my life.

My lab is in full swing summer mode. Boat Trip is actually going to happen this year. My boss' wife works part-time in another lab, and their lab is joining with ours for Boat Trip. So what? Well, that means a significant increase in the number of people closer to my age than to undergrad age. And it won't be all the lab boys and me. I love my boys, but having a good mix will be so great.

Anyhow, science is okay. Anxiety gets in the way of making super fast progress, but I'm working on that. The advisor (boss) is aware of this now, which is a little nerve wracking, yet keeps me moving because he at least knows that the fact that I worry about getting everything right all the time, and can help me get past it. Science isn't perfect. I know this. It's actually a failure 95% of the time or more. The success comes in learning from the failures to put together the puzzle pieces to make a picture.

My science is so cool that the "pictures" that I make might actually one day be used to design pharmaceuticals. It's still far far away, and won't happen while I'm in the lab, but one day. I figured out one day in undergrad that the reason I wanted to be a scientist because I would rather make the rules, than be a doctor and follow the rules. I like that description because sometimes I think it would just be easier to deal with medical school than work towards my doctorate.

I have a running coach. Actually, she's my trail running buddy, but she's also a certified running coach, and she's put together my training plan to qualify for the Boston Marathon this November. I've never been coached for running, but I am loving it so far. It's been such a long time since I had a coach, and I really appreciate not having to think about my workouts anymore and just do them. I think so much about everything else all the time, that being able to not think and just enjoy the run has been quite nice. It's much more motivating.

It's wedding season again, and I'm rounding it out this month by being a bridesmaid in one of my besties here in gradudate school. It's going to be beautiful. All these weddings, however, make me a little antsy so I can get out of here and get somewhere I might find a guy to date that is not a scientist and my age. I'm getting a little tired of being the bridesmaid without a date, or the token single wedding guest. It doesn't bother me, really, attending weddings by myself, because I always have friends to hang out with, but it would sure be nice to have someone to go to weddings with, slow dance with...

Yeah. It's not that I'm opposed to dating while I'm in grad school or here in my town, if it happens it happens. I'm just not actively seeking a relationship. Chances are pretty good I'd be a horrid girlfriend at the moment. On top of that, I'm a notoriously slow-mover. But I'm okay with that for now. I've got plenty of things to do in the meantime. I'm not jealous of my friends that find their other halves, I'm happy for them. Even for me, it often means new friends! I do like new friends!!!

Forty-third

2010-06-15T20:28:00.000-05:00

Yoga yoga yoga. I love yoga.

I wish I were swimming more.

Science is not being very friendly with me right now.

But at least my cells continue to grow happily.

I am terribly tired.

Forty-second

2010-06-08T17:08:00.000-05:00

I don't honestly have much to say, and that's why I've not been on here recently. Having said that, I anticipate that this post will end up longer than I ever thought possible. Haha. We'll see. Things around me are both settling into place and changing quite a bit.

The summer has settled in. Blazing hot days followed by thunderstorms and maybe one or (if we're lucky) two cooler days. I love it. Summer running outside has settled in. I've remembered what it's like to run long in insane heat. Start slow. My ice cream addiction has cemented itself for the season. I just wish we had lovely frozen yogurt places in the Midwest like they have in California. Thankfully, one of my great friends is about to start her surgery residency at UCLA. Hooray for visiting friends during vacations!! The summer undergrads are here in lab and getting their work started. My usual lack of summer travel has once again turned itself into multiple weekends out of town, sequentially, of course.

Weekend 1: West Baden Springs Resort in southern Indiana with the girls. So much fun!
Weekend 2: Sunburst Hall of Fame to Notre Dame Half-Marathon in South Bend, Indiana. Only one night, but I still had to leave my cells and lab early on Friday, which I never do, and always causes me some anxiety.
Weekend 3: Home for Momsie's graduation. My lovely mother is graduating from the community college in our town!! She is the first of her siblings to get a degree of any sort from college. I am so proud of her for accomplishing this while working full time and always doing more than her fair share of work. She has no idea I'm coming home, and I'm quite surprised I've been able to keep my mouth shut that long.
Weekend 4: Wedding of a grad school friend in her hometown. Again only one night, but still.

Lab is changing. Again. I'm getting feistier, and willing to put up with less and less, while simultaneously willing to do more and more. I'm becoming selective about what I'll do. I am changing. I'm experimenting with my running, getting more bold and willing to try different race strategies and cross-training approaches. I'm experimenting with fueling those runs, and actually taking the advice of my dietitian. She works with the athletic department, after all. I'm moving into my very own apartment this summer. I've never lived by myself before, and I can't wait!! I can see the glimmer of a manuscript submission by August.

I guess it's one of those summers where the usual things settle, the new things try to settle, and in doing so, big change is made overall. I can foresee the big changes in the little ones that are presently occurring. It's amazing and nerve-wracking all at the same time.

Forty-first

2010-05-26T11:57:00.002-05:00

The Best Weekend Ever

This past weekend I was fortunate enough to have the Best Weekend Ever. It was awesome. I love-love-loved it. Let's first comment on the weather... After what seemed like weeks of nothing but thunder storms and scattered thunder storms and isolated thunder storms and temperatures that may have reached those capable of producing frost, we had our first solid two days of 85+ deg F weather. Starting on Saturday.

Saturday is Long Run Day. I was set to go 10-11 miles. So I set out for an hour and fifty minutes, which put me over the distance, but it's much less stressful to just go run wherever I feel like and not worry about how far I've gone. Still coming off the cold, I wasn't sure what was going to happen, but I thought I'd at least try. I needed to jostle loose all the mucous that was still stuck in my body. TMI? Perhaps. Just wait, it gets better.

One of the things on my Bucket List was to learn how to snot-rocket. For those that don't know, this is the art of blowing one's nose without a Kleenex or anything, and not getting snot all over one's face or self. I've always been too nervous to try. Then I met my Running-coach-mentor-Yoda who is an avid snot-rocketeer. With a lesson and some encouragement, I was finally able to muster the courage and give snot-rocketing a try. WIN!!!

Let me tell you how epic my snot-rocket was around mile 9 of Saturday's long run. Why tell you this? Because after 1.5 weeks of not being able to breathe, I could finally do so. It felt so good. I got a little lost towards the end of my run, and made it back a little later than I anticipated, but that was okay. I took one of my fastest showers ever and jetted over to my friend's house to meet up for a shopping extravaganza.

When I shop, I love to see these things: Nordstrom (I always park by Nordy's and use only their "Ladies Lounge," J. Crew (pretty much my entire wardrobe), and Tiffany & Co. (Yes, I'd love to try on that $10,000 necklace, thanks). Coupled with a trip to Trader Joe's, and actually getting to purchase something at Tiffany's for the first time ever, I had a wonderful afternoon!! Two of my girls and I are going in together to get a friend of ours a Tiffany's necklace for her MD/PhD graduation. So fun!

Return to my town... The good mall is 1.5 hours away... and I get to go out for a light dinner courtesy of gift cards, and eat said dinner out on the back porch of my Running-mentor-coach-Yoda's lake house. And real life conversation!

When I finally got home that night, I went straight to bed because I was getting up on Sunday for an hour long trail run at one of the state parks nearby. Hooray!!! Love love love trail running. It was a great day for it, too! Here's the requisite sky shot from the adventure:

After the Sunday morning trail run, I was pretty tired. I set to leisurely cleaning the house (ooh, I was productive on the weekend! Win!), until I passed out on the couch. Then I woke up briefly only to pass out again. Marvelous. Cleaned a little more until I was alerted to the possibility of an evening excursion to the lake for some stand-up paddle boarding. It was my first time on the paddle boards, and I loved it! Very relaxing.

Headed home to clean up and relax before crashing. A busy weekend, but just plain wonderful!!!

Fortieth

2010-05-21T09:20:00.001-05:00

Busy bee!!

"Fortieth" looks really weird to me.

I am very busy these days. It is kind of great. It is kind of hard. But really, I love it. Being busy keeps my mind off of other things that I'd rather not deal with. Then again, some of the "business" can be attributed to dealing with the things I'd rather not deal with, but we're not going to go there today.

Last week, I mentioned that dreadful cold I was fighting. Still feeling the effects of that one, but I'm well on my way to 100% better and being able to breathe. Breathing is pretty essential for life, and definitely essential for yoga (Snotty yoga = no fun, but kinda funny in retrospect), and pretty nice to be able to do while running and swimming... Except for the 50 free, where I was always told to not breathe as much as possible.

Did I tell you that I'm meeting with my advisor every morning? Yep. It's a good thing, though. I really appreciate it and enjoy it. However, today he missed the meeting. I'm not exactly sure how long this "daily meeting" is going to last. It keeps me on my toes intellectually, that's for sure. Plus, his demonstration of enthusiasm for my project and for the science done in his lab keeps me motivated. I am just a grad student, after all. I am here for training in research, not here to design my own research programs.

Summer social activities are picking up. Weddings and pre-wedding festivities (I make the penis-shaped sugar cookies). Saying goodbyes. Goodbye festivities. Friends' graduation festivities. Running adventures. Race weekends. Reuniting with old friends. Weekend trips to go reunite with old friends. Visiting the baby spawn of best friends before he grows into a big spawn.

I have hardly been running at a level that I enjoy these past two weeks, or one that's leads to achieving Boston Qualifying times this fall. I do not find it satisfying at all, as much as everyone may say it's okay and totally fine. I like consistency in my workouts. I don't like the whole getting-back-into-it feeling that occurs after you take several days off sequentially.

I get squirmy when I can't get a good session of sweaty moving in (Hmmm, that's what she said). I wish I could explain how and why exercise does good things for my work performance. You see, it's not just running 4-5 times per week on a regular schedule. It's racing. It's achieving PR's. It's setting goals. It's training to reach those goals. Outside of the constant draw of work and seemingly endless list of Things to Do. The undefined graduation date.

In PhD land, it's all based on your research. In biology PhD land, it's based on getting data that you can draw conclusions from, and generally getting a publication or several. We all know I'm looking more at the "or several" part of that last statement.

Quote for today (given to me yesterday by my Running-coach-mentor-Yoda): "You can't stop the waves, but you can learn how to surf!" A quick Google search found that this quote is accredited to Jon Kabat-Zinn, PhD. More Google-ing opened up an amazing door as I discovered that people actually study the mind-body connection. At least at the level of interpersonal relationships and behavior. Now I must figure out if people study it also at the level of cells and molecules, and how the heck they do it, and what they're currently doing... I effing love science.

Let's not forget the take away life lessons about learning to ride the waves, however.

Now, I'm going to go finish the protein purifications I'm working on today.

Thirty-ninth

2010-05-14T16:06:00.000-05:00

I am a hot mess right now! Ever since the Indy Mini, I've been fighting a sore throat, cough, stuffy and sometimes runny nose, runny eyes, swollen glands, and extreme fatigue. It's going around my department. My place of blame wavers between one of the administrative assistants that I coach 8 minute core to every day, and the undergrads rustling up all sorts of crazy germs from the past year while they moved out last week.

I am so sick that I haven't even run since the race Saturday. That fact alone means that I am really for realsies sickie-poo, and that I'm about to go bonkers because I haven't done any significant moving around.

On a positive note, the university outdoor pool opens this weekend. And while I attempted to run for a very short 20 minutes today (that jostled up a whole lot of gunk in my lungs and nose, it was gross snot-fest), I noticed that they were filling up the outdoor pool in the park by my house. Hooray!!! Summer is upon us!!!

Meanwhile, I'm writing this lame blog entry while I'm supposed to be doing a million other things that haven't gotten done in lab since I've been halfway non-functional for the past five days. Haha. I'm running in a 5K tomorrow morning, and then hopefully a spectacular trail run on Sunday!!!

Music for today: Jonny Lang "Back for a Taste of Your Love"

Thirty-eighth

2010-05-11T14:03:00.001-05:00

Indianapolis 500 Mini-Marathon

Confession: When I first heard the phrase "mini-marathon" I had no idea that it meant "half-marathon." I just assumed it was some distance that was less than 26.2 miles because I figured that a half-marathon would be called just that, a half-marathon. Wrong.

This year I ran the Indy 500 Festival Mini-Marathon. It's one of the largest half-marathons in the nation. Definitely ranked up there on the fun scale! The Expo was huge, had great vendors, lots of great gear and samples. Extremely well-organized. The race was also extremely well-organized. The course was flat (my first flat half-marathon ever), had spectacular spectator support, and tons of aid stations aka "Pit Stops." Brilliant!

The race is so popular that it sells out at least 4 months in advance. I was lucky enough to get an official bib transferred to my name through one of my new running buddies in town. However, by the time I signed up, I was too late to submit a time to get preferential seeding into an early start corral. I knew people (and knew I could beat them) in B, but I was placed in G. In efforts to alleviate any traffic I would undoubtedly cause trying to run at my pace in a group where people were not at a similar pace, I snuck into corral D with a friend of mine who was actually placed there. That was a smart move. While I did end up beating those people I knew who were in corral B, I'm not one to go out fast in a race. The folks in corral D kept me in line (although maybe a little too much under control, I probably could have gone out faster and been totally fine). I could then focus on slowly passing people one at a time throughout the race.

Finish time was 1:42 low. PR by 5+ minutes. No warm up, freezing cold into the wind for a good 5-6 miles, and I was in the very early stages of a chest cold. I'll take it! And I'm looking forward to another PR in June when I get to run another half-marathon at Notre Dame. The finish line is in the football stadium... I get to be like Rudy!!!!

Thirty-seventh

2010-05-10T09:42:00.001-05:00

Real Life Discussions

A friend of mine (the Penning Panda) calls deep talks on philosophy and the meaning of life Real Life Discussions, because that's what they are. Plus, it sounds less hoity-toity intellectual, and I think it gives the participants the ability to say exactly what they're thinking, without the need, necessarily to support their argument with statements that may or may not be at the time anything more than "...because that's how I feeling right now..." More of a "let me talk through this, one step at a time, thanks for being patient but I'll figure out the take-home message in a second," rather than "fortune favors the bold."

I've been half-way Facebook messaging a real life discussion, and seriously wish it were in person. Preferably over some good beer. Preferably in Seattle. However, I still have a book to re-read before we can do that! :o)

I think real life discussions are incredibly important. Not so much venting and whining and moaning about work or work people or whatever, but discussions about real life. Values. Morals. Questions about them. Questions you ask yourself. Questions you really want to know about others. The things you talk about that reveal a part of you that maybe you didn't even realize you have. Real life discussions connect you with other people. Real life discussions keep you grounded. I think my life lacks real life discussions. Partially because science and real life don't mix well. In a large number of instances, at least all those I've found at my university, real life is neglected and minimized in favor of science.

Of course, I have my people here that I'm particularly close with that I can have these real life discussions with, but it is definitely hard to escape the science and career genres where gossip and politics and bitterness reign supreme, in favor of talking about actual life. I've only recently (as in, the past couple of weeks), found a couple new people that I can have real life discussions with. It's amazing. I have missed them so.

My bestie from undergrad and I were huge fans of walking and talking. Still are, in fact. We do it pretty much every time we get together, wherever it is, whatever the weather. Lots of times, those walks and talks resulted (or began, in some cases) with one or both of us in tears. They are such a great way to get everything out. Worries. Anxieties. Real life things. That's what makes real life discussions equally as beneficial as they can be hard to initiate and fully become involved in. That's what makes them spectacularly important to have.

Real life discussions involve talking and listening. That's how you learn from them. I am thankful to have found people that I can have real life discussions with. I am hopeful that I can do my part to maintain these relationships as we travel through our lives. I am fully convinced that my day-to-day life is boring and I'm not going anywhere (silly grad school and tricky PhD research) and I have nothing to share. Despite that, I am trying to remember that I still have opportunities in which I contribute to the world and to humanity. Being open to real life discusssion is one of those opportunities. Contributing, connecting, yourself to another part of the world.

People, I encourage you to engage in real life discussions. Be open to yourself and your ideas like you can be open to those of others. Connect. I was once scolded for being "too honest at the wrong time." But, you know what? I can't say that being too honest really hurt me in the long run, at all.

Disclaimer: This post has been sitting around for almost a month while I've been busy with running and science. Please excuse any disconnect between thoughts and ideas and general flow!

Thirty-sixth

2010-04-10T09:41:00.022-05:00

Easter 2010

What do you do when you run a half-marathon on one day and swim the next day? Make an extravagant Easter dinner with a good friend and her dog-cat (cat that acts like a dog), and person-dog (dog that acts like a person).

Eight Julia Child's Mastering the Art of French Cooking recipes, five hours (well, it was probably more, we had done some preliminary work), two movies partially watched (Julie and Julia was definitely the first one), and we had an amazing feast.

My friend Nicole is a Twilight fan, and is loaning me her books so I can catch up. We were supposed to watch New Moon over Julia Child dinner, but it was too late and we were too exhausted to turn on the movie when we could actually sit down and watch it.

The menu:

Roast chicken (recipe 1).

Boiled asparagus in lemon-butter sauce (recipe 2 and 3).

Scalloped potatoes with carrots and cream (recipe 4).

Lemon-almond tart (recipe 5).

Chocolate spongecake with chocolate buttercream filling and butter-chocolate icing (recipes 6, 7, and 8).

My family's traditional holiday Green Jello (complete with Jello mold and tulip-shaped print on top): Green Jello, pineapple + juice, and carrots.

Homemade french bread. Julia's recipe was too time-consuming, so I went with the King Arthur Flour recipe.

It was good. Very very good. Aside from all that butter and cream, which tasted good in the moment, but did not work so well later on. Moderation, people, is key, and good for the soul. I lived. I did, however, discover a legit love of baking bread. I like kneading it directly on the kitchen counter and working the dough. I like letting it rise and seeing it rise. I like watching it bake, and I really like eating it fresh. Wow.

I have since walked the north 40 of campus and the south 40 residential area south of campus deep in discussion about life, swimming, running, and fueling, found two new running groups (tried out the first one Saturday morning, second one to be tried on Wednesday at 6 am), a new long-run running buddy (until she breaks 2:00 in her half-marathon, then she says she's done with half-marathons), and planned my birthday...

Thirty-fifth

2010-04-08T11:59:00.000-05:00

Lots of things to update: My first half-marathon since my stress fracture, Easter, real life discussions, birthdays (well, mine, anyways). In efforts to keep the length to a minimum, I'll give each an individual post.

Half-marathon on 3 April 2010

13.1 miles, hilly, ending in torrential rain. Small race. The little (and I mean very little) spectator support was truly endearing, spectacular, and lovely. They are hard core race supporters, heading to different spots along the course to cheer for everyone. Not just their people, but everyone. I really respect that, and appreciate it. I made sure to say thank you as many times as I saw them.

I beat the undergrads in my lab, which was all I really wanted to accomplish during the race. They were untrained for the distance, one was untrained altogether, and both were unfamiliar with the course. Naturally, they went out faster than me. I caught one at mile 8, he still looked good enough to where I thought he could hang on to my pace if he wanted to, but he didn't. The other I caught at mile 12. He was dying. The last half mile is uphill, and then downhill into the finish. That uphill is killer. It will break you. I love it. I love hills. But then, I just love to run.

The rain was nice at first, but by the finish, it was coming down in buckets, and I was soaked through and freezing. My arms had gotten tired because I had spent at least six miles clenching and unclenching my hands to keep my fingers from going numb. I was so cold at the finish that I could barely open my water bottle, and I had to open the banana with my teeth. I do not recommend the taste of banana peel.

My friend who ran the half with me got a PR by about a minute!! I was fortunate to have enough time to finish, grab my water and food, and backtrack the course a bit so I could run her in. Yeah, I probably could have gone faster, if I had all that energy to run my friend in, but whatev. While I was waiting for her to crest the hill I cheered for everyone else on their way to the finish, and accepted an interview for the local TV station... Which I later ditched because my friend was passing by, and I had to run her in. Sorry, TV station! Plus, I was freezing. I'll save my 15 minutes of fame for science, I think.

I have to admit that I was quite nervous going into this race. Not because I was worried about finishing, I could finish anything. Of course I wanted a PR. I was nervous because I had not run this far since October. My longest run had been maybe nine miles. I was nervous because I didn't want the increased mileage (which coincided with the nicer weather we'd been having) to hurt my leg and sideline me again. I was nervous because while I knew I could have gotten a PR this year by quite a bit had I been training for a full like I was at this time last year. Yes, I realize that I can't realistically make that comparison, but if I'm going to be honest, I totally did. I stress fractured my tibia in November and am just getting back into long distances, I should not be worrying about whether I can get a PR and by how much at my first long race back. I should be worrying about keeping my bones healthy so I can continue to train and run, and training responsibly so I don't risk re-injury or another overuse injury.

I never thought that silly stress fracture would affect me so much! Hahaha.

My time? 1:47:54 PR by a minute. :o)

Overall, a good day. I went a PR, my friend went a PR, and our other friend who ran the 5K and waited patiently for us to finish went a PR. My undergrads finished, humbled (the high school XC runner I passed at mile 12), or excited to continue running (the one I passed at mile 8).

Thirty-fourth

2010-03-31T08:00:00.000-05:00

Let's see where we are here... First race of the season, a Habitat for Humanity 5K, was last Saturday. I was too excited for it. In the "plan outfit for the first day of school days in advance" kind of way. I was running it with people from my advisor's department (please click the link for an accurate description of my academic situation), some of whom were just getting back into 5K's after a prolonged absence. Everyone finished, some faster than they thought, some thinking they could have gone faster.

Overall, I think it was an excellent first race of the season. I ran a 22:57, which is a PR for me by at least 0:45. Second in age group. I owe most of that PR to the faculty member I paced off of for the first mile. He always beats me by a minute at least at this big student-oriented 5K in the fall, so I figured I'd take the opportunity at this small race to see how I could keep up, given that I could actually see him at the start. PS, this isn't creepy because I house-sit for him and his family all the time. The rest of my finish time I owe to the 5K I ran from my house to the race start as a warm up. Warming up is important. If only I had fully understood this and welcomed this fact into my life while I was swimming...

Mile 1 rolls around, the volunteer is calling out times. 7:20. Faculty member asks, "How's that pace for you?"

And I reply, "Well, I'm on pace to die, anyways." We laugh. "I have never gone out this fast before, but I don't usually know my pace for the first mile of a 5K. Or any mile of a 5K, for that matter."

It's true. 99% of the time, I'm just running. But apparently since I can do distance, I can hold pace once it's set. So, after an uphill mile 2, volunteer calls "14:52." Wow! Faster than I thought! Let's see what happens... Reach turnaround, head back down hill. The hill was steeper than I thought! Like I said, I just run, I don't generally notice going uphill unless it's steep. I notice downhill more because that's when my knees/legs started bothering me back in October, pre-stress fracture. Let loose a bit on the downhill, since I am usually pretty conservative. Last 1.1 miles brings me to 22:57. And I could have picked up the finish kick-in much earlier than I did. :o) There's always something! Hee hee.

I immediately double back onto the course going the wrong way to start a cool down (we're still half-marathon training here, and I can't have sore legs on Sunday), get a few minutes in, and pick up the first of my department people. She's more 5K experienced than the rest of them, and really picking up running this year. I pace her in. Well, she claims that I was speeding up, but really, I was just running with her, which made her speed up, so I sped up to keep up, and then she sped up more, etc. PR for her! Hooray!! We recap the race a bit and keep our eyes peeled for our two 5K first-time-in-a-long-time runners. They're jogging with each other, I cheer college-swim-meet style them into the finish!! Love it. Both seem amped to finish, having run the whole thing, and to do more races this summer!

A few of us head to my favorite local brewery for some beer and burgers. I love me some bison burgers!! Eating out is the best way for me to refuel properly after a race, otherwise I get easily distracted with warm showers, other things to do, etc. Since it's still chilly Spring weather here, the race started at 10 am, so the usual post-race breakfast out wasn't in the cards. I've never refueled with burgers, but I was willing to take on the challenge. I have seen burgers and beer as a favorite post-race, long race, anyways, refueling source for endurance athletes in Runner's World, but never tried it for myself. The people I went with seemed to really appreciate the abundance of carbs, protein, and fat, but it turned out not to be the right distribution for me, even after the 10K+ I'd run that morning. It did not set a good precedent for the rest of the day. I'll be sticking with my breakfast foods from here on out, I think.

This Saturday is my first mini-marathon, and longest distance, since my stress fracture last fall. I'm pretty sure I can handle it musculoskeletally and cardiovascularly, so I'm thinking a little about race strategy and trying not to hope too much for a PR. I've been in the place with running, even before my stress fracture, where the more I run, the faster my race times get. It's easy to get swept in the current of that kind of thinking where every race must have a PR. But it doesn't. It sure didn't happen with every event at every swim meet. It's unrealistic to expect that of every running race.

In reality, I just love to run and swim and move. I've made some new running and workout connections that are and will be very beneficial for keeping me balanced in a way that makes me happier than I have been in a while. For those new connections, I have to thank several odd and totally legitimate sources: My advisor and his wife. The therapist and a friend of hers she recommended I meet up with, as "you remind me of her a lot" (She and the dietitian don't always exactly know how to handle me as the athlete that's not a varsity athlete in college, but this new person/friend is spectacular). A lab undergrad, no joke! My advisor's department. More on each of these as they develop.

I'm going to a concert on Thursday, and I'm excited. The music, Ingrid Michaelson and Mat Kearney, will be great, and I am going to dance and enjoy the atmosphere and time with my friends as we elbow our way to the front. Apparently Mat is amazing in live performance. Don't think it's dance-able music, do you? Obviously we've never met. ;o)

Thirty-third

2010-03-24T23:39:00.004-05:00

Hmpf. Wow! Interesting...

There's a lot going on, and a lot to say. Saint Patrick's Day was fun, the Spring Break Day was an epic fail with a few small successes thrown in, I cheered at the hockey game like I cheered at my swim meets. Hockey = superfun. Only, I wish I were playing instead of watching! This is how I usually am with sports, though. Thankfully I had a trusty Bud Lite to keep me a little less hyperactive and a little more "grown up." I totally wished I were one of those kids in the expensive seats at the glass. Dude, I wish I could check people on the sidewalk. So. Very. Much.

My first race (a 5K) is this weekend instead of next weekend like I thought while I typed the last post, whoopsies!, but I couldn't be more excited. I'm not much of a 5K runner, but I have plans to run to the start, run the race, and then go out for lunch with other runners from my department.

A week from Saturday is a half marathon that I've run every year since it began. In running-land, they call that streaking! I'm totally not even kidding one teeny-tiny bit. I've never had a problem with nudity, just ask any of my teammates from college, so this label is particularly funny to me, and particularly fitting. On my life list of things to do, there is definitely for sure a Bare Buns 5K. You betcha.

But enough about running. Swimming! I love it. Always and forever (Cue Napoleon Dynamite song during Kip's wedding at the end, you know the part when Napoleon shows up on horseback and says "I just finished taming these wild honeymoon stallions for you guys"). I've been running more, and therefore swimming a bit less. But I have a swimming partner now three days a week or so! The housemate of a lab undergrad is training for a half IronMan and needs help with the swim. So I'm coaching him a bit while getting in my own yardage. Love love love.

And enough about sports. Eating! I love eating. I hate eating. I love food. I hate food. My body loves food. My body hates food. I love ice cream. I ~~hate~~ love ice cream. I've eaten out a few times with people, which always makes things enjoyable. That Ghirardelli flourless mocha torte for the hockey game turned out well, for my first try. The chocolate lava cakes that I made earlier this month for group meeting turned out quite photogenic...

Love. Hate. Love. Hate. So fun to create. Baking and cooking are just edible chemistry experiments.

What about science? I love science. I'm tired of grad school. I'm tired of training myself. I am in grad school to get my PhD training, not to train myself how to get a PhD. Aaaarrrrrggghhhh!!! I am ready to move on, but need more evidence of my exponential awesomeness factor (i.e. publications), which require, oh wait, data, which you only get when your experiments work (who knew?). At least my cells are growing happily. Kinda like the orchids! I have a total of 16 blossoms, plus a few more still trying to come up from my advisor's plant... We had to take it out of his office because "the light was better out by my bench" but really, I think he just forgets to water it.

If you look closely, you can see my super-scientific Metropolitan Museum of Art Shoe calendar on the back wall. All the science vendors were being super thrifty this year and I did not get one single calendar sent to me! Usually I get at least three. I choose the prettiest one for home, and the most useful one for school, and give whatever's left to the undergrads. If I have to sift through all the boss's junk mail, I'm keeping the good stuff. This year, though, no calendars! So I bought one for myself.

I'm off topic again. I could go on for hours about school, but I don't want to bitch and moan more than I already do. For all those first year PhD students out there in the life sciences, think long and hard about what you want in an advisor, and when rotating through labs, get the downlow scoop from the current lab members. PI's (the principal investigator, the professor, the advisor, the boss) love to talk about their research. Their abilities to think science, however, do not necessarily reflect their ability to run a lab, mentor students, and design possible and meaningful projects that allow people to graduate. Think about this before you decide to join a lab. I have learned so much about this over the past few years, maybe more than I've learned about my science. It's a toss-up.

Exhausted. Falling asleep on the keyboard! And I want to do a bit of reading in New Moon before I pass out, only to wake myself up in 5 hours to go running. I think a good run in the rain will do me good.

Thirty-second

2010-03-19T07:45:00.000-05:00

Today was supposed to be the day during Spring Break where I completely take off of work/lab and "do" my town. It's a great town. Why not? I never get out to any of the fun little boutique-y shops and hippie mood ring stores to play, and since I didn't go anywhere for Spring Break, I should get to not work for a whole entire day and wander around my city/town like a tourist.

Why is that so much easier said than done? I'm still going to try to do it, but I do have to go into work for about an hour... It's not like I can just let the cells sit there if they're confluent, otherwise they'll be overconfluent when I go in tomorrow, potentially not healthy, etc. Plus yesterday I stored a vial of cells in my lab's liquid nitrogen tank for the undergrad in the lab next door (he didn't have access to their lab's tank, and the PI was out sick), and I need to return them (being a junior faculty, the PI came in later that evening, regardless of being sicky, spread her germies all around, and asked if she could get her cells from me today). Need to get to the stockroom before it closes for the weekend, and run 8 min abs/core for my advisor's department staff and faculty.

Did I mention that I also had swim and change oil and put gas in car on the list, before "playing downtown?" Yikes. There was not supposed to be a to-do list involved in my Spring Break day. I am determined not to feel bad about it. I'm also leaving town to go have homemade deep-dish pizza (made by a friend), and flourless mocha torte (made by me, courtesy of The Ghirardelli Chocolate Cookbook). Picture later, once we cut into it. And then a hockey game. My first hockey game ever!!! I'm pretty excited, minus the whole being cold and sitting around part.

Okay, the end of this post. Running's been good. Weather's been great. Tibia not hurting, other than the usual musculoskeletal pains. I'm getting excited for the racing season to start. Two weeks from Saturday!!!

Thirty-first

2010-03-15T14:33:00.005-05:00

It's Spring Break this week on my campus, and the entire town has pretty much shut down. Since the University calendar affects so many people in addition to the students, the public schools also take Spring Break this week, classes at the Y take Spring Break (but thankfully the Y remains open, otherwise I might go nuts). The best part is that, unlike Winter Break, all the offices are open, and all the shops in town are open. Everything is just a little slower, there is more parking, and you might only need one piece of official identification to purchase alcohol or get into a bar, instead of the usual two.

Saint Patrick's Day is Wednesday. My plan? Leave work at 2 pm to frolic downtown from campus to the Irish bar here. Everyone who's anyone heads to this bar for StP's Day, when you purchase a pint of Guinness, you get to keep the glass. They have a live bagpipe player (what do you call them, anyways?), never mind that I'm pretty sure that he's a Scottish bagpiper.

A quick Wikipedia check suggests that there are in fact Irish bagpipes, and that the Great Irish Warpipes are most similar to the Scottish Great Highland Bagpipes, but different than the characteristic Irish bagpipe, the Uilleann Pipes. I can't tell the difference between the Great Irish Warpipes and the Great highland Bagpipes in terms of instruments. By sound alone, it sounds more like the Scottish bagpipe rather than the (purely by written description in Wikipedia) Uilleann Pipes.

Whatevs. When you're sitting in an Irish bar with your friends and your pint o' Guinness in the glass you get to take home with you, wearing some cheesy green cardboard glasses or other free StP's paraphernalia, the music only adds to the ambiance. I love bagpipe music anytime. Definitely if it is live, and the musician is walking around the entire restaurant. Bagpipes will forever remind me of home and of my grandfather.

6 mile run today. Can't wait. I'm going to try to go slow and work on my form. It will feel funny, I'm sure, but will give me something to think about the whole time! Weather's looking good for the remainder of the week, hitting 60 on Wednesday!! I love the spring!!! Goal for this week is to get back in the pool a little more consistently. The Recreational Sports office at my university has a Swim to Summer program where you get to document your yardage and do weekly "challenges" to earn chances to win gift certificates and goodies and such. It doesn't start until a week or so after Break ends, but I need to get in the routine and the groove! Consistency is key, and I have the opportunity now to develop some good overall workout patterns.

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Giveaway for Bob's Red Mill Chia Seeds at Lucky Taste Buds. Unfortunately, it might end today, although the original post suggests it ends Friday? I just found it today...

Also, a great giveaway for an Oiselle running shirt on Erica's blog!! Ends 3/19/10.

Thirtieth

2010-03-09T13:57:00.004-06:00

Chatting with my yoga instructor last night after class. I had made a discovery. I am much more mindful, aware, and present when I had been taking yoga at 7 am instead of 7 pm. It is so much easier to savasana when you're still half-asleep than after a long day at work/school dealing with what I deal with all day, personally and professionally. The great yoga instructor said most people he knows love yoga at the end of the day or after an intense aerobic workout to unwind from it and bring themselves back to the present.

I replied that it was the aerobic that let me relieve the stress and tension of the day and lets my mind go, and that I'm hoping yoga helps me to be more mindful of myself. I don't necessarily need to relieve physical stress (goodness knows yoga just doesn't do that for me), but I do need it to connect my brain to my body. I need to be able to observe and control parts of my body using my breath and mind, without the distractions of the outside world butting in unnecessarily. This 2 x per week yoga class I'm taking has been a little stressful.

The room isn't silent-we can hear the weight room, the basketball courts, and random people outside. I'm still a hot mess from work and all the things I need to do that I haven't done yet that day, that I need to do tomorrow, that I should have gotten done earlier, etc. I probably need the entire 1 hour and 15 minute class just to get focused for the evening's practice. Unfortunately, I get maybe 10 minutes at the start. I try to squeeze in a 30 minute run right before class begins because I usually don't get out of work until much later than I anticipate.

The 30 minute run, however, is just long enough to make me want, make me crave, more running. Instead, I stop, grab some water and my yoga mat, and head to class to be still. I am going to have to try not running before class, getting there early enough to get more breathing time in, because right now, going to yoga, sitting through yoga, and trying to connect with myself enough to fully relax and get the floaty feeling just makes me want to cry. At the start of yoga class, in the middle of yoga class, and definitely at the end of yoga class. WTF?

Twenty-ninth

2010-03-07T18:54:00.000-06:00

When I walked into the local YMCA today, it was sunny and light. When I left the YMCA today it was rainy and dusk. My initial reaction to the rain was pretty typical for me, "Who said it could be rainy today? Uuuugggghhhhhhh." I exited the covered entry and began the walk to my car in the far lot in my gym shorts and fleecy non-waterproof jacket (because it was a balmy 55 deg F and sunny today), and realized something no more than three seconds after the initial reaction...

The first thing was that the rain on the metal roof of the Y entryway makes a marvelous sound. It's beautiful. In my Midwest region, the rain drops are huge, and extremely wet. They make big sounds.

Another series of realizations hit on my long walk to the car, and as I approached and got into my car. It started with a surprising one for me. I anticipated a spectacular thunderstorm. Not predicted by the weather peeps at all, but it's spring, almost. They'll happen eventually. I don't usually anticipate spectacular thunderstorms. To use an excellent cliche, though: Thunder in the Pacific Northwest pales in comparison to thunder in the Midwest.

Immediately following the thunderstorm realization was the gratitude and sweet surprise that I always feel when I discover that the rain was more like Pacific Northwest rain rather than typical Midwest rain. Anyone from the PNW knows that it's only the tourists and wimps that carry umbrellas. A rain jacket and maybe a hood will get you by just fine. In the Midwest, you had better have your rain boots, your long rain jacket, and a large umbrella. Because you're gonna get wet. In the PNW you can do things in the rain. There aren't any "rain dates." When it rains here, though, it pours (hooray for another cliche).

Then I realized, the last of the happy series of realizations, that this was a good rain. After all the snow, ice, and cold had somewhat melted, there was salt everywhere. A good rain was needed just to cleanse everything... Including my car. :o)

Twenty-eighth

2010-03-04T13:13:00.000-06:00

A marathoner has to have her energy. GU is my favorite form of energy to consume in the middle of long training runs and even longer races. While I fully admit to not shopping around and test-driving a vast majority of the energy gels I've used in races in the past, for the "important" ones (aka, the ones in the best locations), I always go back to GU. Thank you, Erica, for your comment on my blog and link to your GU giveaway, ending tomorrow!!! I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a win... There are some GU Chomps in there that I really would like to try!

Twenty-seventh

2010-03-03T11:09:00.001-06:00

Today is a big day. In the most interesting of terms, I could describe today in this list:

Film debut
Getting hooded
Determining if 6 months of a project actually worked or not
Baking, and then eating, Ghirardelli chocolate lava cake
Swimming
Running the lab
Driving the bus

It is definitely, 100 % not as exciting or real as it seems, but it looks pretty cool on the surface.

The first orchid blossom has fully opened!! Several more on the way...

Interested in getting your sweat on? Check out Mel's giveaway sponsored by In(per)spire!

Twenty-sixth

2010-03-01T10:48:00.013-06:00

I ran outside on Saturday. It was cold! I wore my old(er) shoes because switching it up is good, especially when breaking in new ones. My feet and legs need to adapt right now both to the shoes and to running on pavement or asphalt.

My favorite part about running outside when it's super cold out is that you can pretty much wear whatever you want because no matter how goofy and mismatched you look, you're still more cool and more hardcore than those who chose to run inside or not at all. My Nike Structure Triax 12's have excellent ventilation, so my tootsies would be cold in 30 deg F temps. Even colder than usual! Because I was wearing track pants (rolled up in the picture) instead of my running tights, I could cover up the super-cool socks I was wearing over some little ankle running socks to keep my feeties warm!

Please excuse the hairy legs. It's cold, and I am/was a swimmer; we only shave for important swim meets!?!

Also, please excuse the funny angle. I was pretty pleased with my forward-bend form while taking this picture, though!

I also learned how to knit on Saturday. It's going to take me roughly forever to make a 7 foot long scarf, but it's pretty darn fun. I brought some homemade whole-wheat bread. I actually made the bread Thursday night/Friday morning while I was not sober, and trying to hydrate and sober up before I went to bed. That's how I roll. When I finally decide to let myself be caught, I'm sure the guy will think I'm a great catch! I'm a cheap date (two or three drinks and I am done, thank you), and I like to bake while I get sober. I don't like to be really drunk, anyways. Perfectly buzzed is plenty drunk enough for me.

Seriously. This is not the first time I've done such a thing in my life. In college, I baked brownies a couple times while participating in Friday Forties at Four (my forty was generally a team effort), and the one time I tailgated an afternoon football game, I frolicked home around 2 or 3 pm -anyone who's anyone doesn't actually go to the game- and didn't know what to do with myself. So I baked chocolate chip cookies. From scratch. I'm too much a perfectionist to not even attempt to bake while drunk if there was a chance it wouldn't come out, and too much of a chicken to use the oven if there was a slightest possibility of me being unsafe.

The bread, also from scratch, turned out quite nicely. It was sweetened with molasses and makes a really nice loaf. Good for sandwiches or cheese or plain. I brought it with me to knitting "class," and we had it with brie cheese and the hostess made an excellent egg quiche-type dish.

When I got to lab this morning, I was greeted by flies to flip, cells to split, and an orchid blossom! It's the same one from Friday's post.

Twenty-fifth

2010-02-26T13:47:00.008-06:00

My legs are exhausted! I must have been running harder this week, even when I thought I was taking it easy, or the new shoes transition is taking a small toll. I had been running in the same style of shoe for the past three years or so, and just switched it up with this new pair. One of the days I ran I was definitely having "a moment" and let myself run harder than I should have. It was sandwiched by running rest days, so my tibia is safe, but the muscle fatigue takes a couple days to work through... I think I forgot what it felt like to have tired legs! It was also hips week for yoga, so we did a ton of hip-opening stretches and poses (tree, lateral angle, warrior sequences) which use a lot of leg strength.

I've signed up for my first 5K for the spring, set for March 27. I think it's a pretty safe bet that I'll be doing a 5K at least every weekend this spring/summer. Seeing as I'm definitely getting in more than a 5K's worth of distance during my 25-30 minute runs anyways, I'm not at all nervous for these little local races. The half-marathon for the spring is scheduled for the following weekend, April 3. I'm a little nervous for that one, and probably will be until I start running outside on asphalt and pavement regularly, and I remain pain-free. All the undergrad boys in my lab are running the half-marathon as well, competing against each other, of course, but they won't race me outright. I'm fairly certain they think I'm faster than I actually am, but we shall see. I don't think any of them are really training for the race, they just want to gut it out against each other to see who is tougher. Their trash-talking each other is hilarious. The only reason I look forward to Wednesday Group Meeting when everyone is present at the same time. The undergrad girl, my advisor and his family are going to do the 5K associated with the half-marathon.

This is super cool because we now have plans to make some sweet homemade T-shirts for the race.

Anywho, I'm pretty excited about the spring!!!

This week, I won a drawing that was put on by New England Biolabs, Inc. in the department stockroom for a Klean Kanteen waterbottle! Score for me! I'm very impressed with the quality and function, and the fact that I actually won something. Here's a picture of it on my cluttered desk.
You can see a little of Super Star! Nice Work! Dazzling! Hooray for Me! stickers in the background. One of the classes I taught had particularly hard quizzes every week, with gobs of extra credit available. Everytime someone scored over 100%, they got a sticker. You would be surprised to know how much our college students, even those that have to look cool all the time, absolutely loved the stickers. I definitely plan to use stickers when I have a faculty position one day!

The other lovely thing about this week is definitely my orchids. Okay, they're not really mine. They belong to my advisor, who brought them from his PhD lab or postdoc lab in California about 20 years ago. They reside in the lab in the window closest to my bench and desk. I don't actually have my own window, but I do have the choicest real estate in the lab overall, so I can deal with the window being 6 feet from my desk. I am the orchid caretaker. No one was regularly caring for them when I joined, and they were sickly and not flowering (they bloom annually). My advisor told me that if I could get them to bloom, I would be allowed to graduate... One day.

Now, before you get all excited about the orchids blooming this year and me graduating, let me just say that I got those puppies to bloom that very same year, all they needed was regular watering. They've bloomed every year since! It always happens mid-winter, and they are blooming again! The flowers last about a month, and are so gorgeous when the sun shines on them as spring arrives.
Something great I discovered today: The temperature is supposed to reach 40+ for more than one day next week!!!! I can't wait to run outside, where I can get a better estimate on my pace. I have several routes mapped out for mileage. On the indoor track, I can't keep track of lap counts at all, so I only go by amount of time. Even if I'm still running for time outside, I can get a better estimate of my pace because I know how long I'll have to walk to finish the run. Yet another reason I was a sprinter instead of a distance swimmer. Fewer laps to count. Seriously. This is how I count while running laps or swimming: This is five, this is five, next is six, this is five, next is six, next is six, and after that is seven, okay this is six, this is six, that was five, that was five, next is seven, next is seven, that was five, wait was that five, or is this five? No joke. It's mantra-ish, only not. Hehe.

Twenty-fourth

2010-02-25T11:48:00.002-06:00

Things that get me going, in no particular order...

Morning workouts. I let go of the endless "to do" lists swirling through my head even as soon as I wake up. In the summer, I love morning running. I'm more willing to go sans shirt (fewer creepers and people who like to hoot and holler at runners). I am not in a car on my way to work yet. It is not blisteringly hot and humid yet. Fewer cars on the road mean fewer waits at stoplights. In the winter, the pool at the Y is outrageously warm for training, but it's at least easier to get in!

Control experiments. The samples may not do anything, but if the controls work, at least the experimental protocol itself wasn't a dud. Same goes for standard curves. There is nothing like doing your experiment, quantifying the data, and discovering that yes, the standards are indeed linear. Even if it's the 10^6 time I've done the experiment. After my prelims fiasco, I went to lab the next day and did the simplest assay possible, got my linear standard curve, and all was right with the world.

The light bulb moment. Whether it be for me, or for someone else, it's amazing. The revelation. The "it makes sense and I'll be okay on the exam" sort of relief. The "that really happens? That is so cool." While I was teaching and running tons of discussion groups and office hours, it's what I always went for. Helping students find their own light bulb moment on some challenging material was even better. Sure, I could tell them in an easy way how it works, but they'd get more by working through it themselves, with a little guidance. This is also why I love science. It's one giant puzzle that I get to figure out and put together. Lots of light bulb moments.

Yoga. Provided I can find the focus for my practice that particular session, I leave with a great smile on my face every time. More than usual, I want to hold the door open for the next person, pay for the guy's coffee behind me, etc.

Doing what needs doing. Most the time, this is a good thing. Because I'm the only full-time worker in my lab, and I'm not even staff, I'm technically a student and get paid as such, this has kind of bitten me in the ass as of late. Me driving my own bus, and being reminded to do so by some great people, however, will keep this on the "things that get me going" list as opposed to the "things I'd like to change about myself" list (which doesn't exist, and shouldn't for anyone).

Believing in people. I should have been a cheerleader. Instead I was a swimmer. I was the swimmer with the characteristic "woo hoo" and the Zena, Warrior Princess yell. I think that's why I fit in so well with my swim team. We were always cheering for each other in the most random and unique and energizing ways. I never understood my sister's tennis matches when everyone was quiet. In other news, I can trash talk a test like nobody's business. Even the bar exam (a friend recently took it) and the MCAT (I took it right before it went electronic, as did a bunch of my best friends in college).

Cell culture. Those little cell-babies (yes, I have a pet name for my cells, it's fine) are protein-producing champs. They'll take a beating, aka infection with a genetically altered virus, and make gobs of protein before they kick the bucket. They also love to "hear" me sing and "watch" me dance, and don't make fun of me. Good thing I don't care if the entire hallway can hear me or see me through the glass door. I'm having a great time!

New shoes. Need I say more? Began breaking in my new running shoes last night. Brooks Adrenaline GTS 10. So far, I love them.

Twenty-third

2010-02-24T10:12:00.003-06:00

I was just about to document the first 2.5 years of my PhD. Then I started to feel dark and twisty, so I had to delete it all. Let's just say that I've had a bunch of experiences throughout that most people don't have to deal with during their PhD.

My preliminary examination (if you fail, you take the masters, if you pass, you get to collect $200 and to continue on, well, kidding about the $200, you get nothing but to continue) was long and dramatic and threw me completely off. I passed fine, mind you, as everyone wanted and needed, and I'm still here. Although, most of the time I wish I had cut and run when I could have. I don't hate my career choice, my program/department/school leaves much to be desired.

Grad school classes in the sciences are mostly a waste of time. Faculty rarely (rarely) enjoy teaching them, and therefore the students get pretty much nothing out of them. It's all about the research, teaching, and service, anyways. Well, mostly about the research.

Choosing a lab is more about talking to the grad students in the lab than talking science with the PI. While it's important to be excited about the science, it's more important to be able to work with the other labbies and learn from them. They'll be the ones teaching you techniques when applicable, helping you deal with the PI, etc.

Stay close to your entering class. As you find your labs and get chained to your benches, you'll lose each other unless you're right next door or put in the effort to see one another for Friday Lunches or Biology Bar Crawls and such. If your entering class sucks (which mine absolutely did not), stay balanced and find an extracurricular activity or two that involves a different group of people.

Take care of your degree progress and your science. Drive your own bus. It's the only way you'll make it through the forest. I'm in the process of making some spectacular lemonade out of the sourest of lemons. It's going to be pretty spectacular, I have to admit. But if I take my hands off the wheel of the bus, things turn into a hot mess. It is best to drive the bus.

Twenty-second

2010-02-21T22:09:00.004-06:00

The season of Lent began last week with Ash Wednesday. I missed both services at my church, which is Lutheran (ELCA). Thank you, science.

I don't traditionally do the whole "giving up" of something for Lent. The 40 days and 40 nights of going without was just something I never did. I'm not sure if my church "does" that kind of thing, or if it's more of a Catholic thing... Please accept my apologies for incorrect religious grammar and/or punctuation as well as any incorrect information. I'm definitely not an expert and do not claim to be, nor am I going to take the time to figure out whether or not what I'm arguing with myself is true or not to anyone other than me. Religion is very personal. Mine is going to be different than yours and yours different from mine, because I am different from you like you are different from me.

Anyways, a friend of mine (he's Catholic) usually gives up sweets for Lent. Something I hear people give up for Lent regularly. What people give up for Lent is usually pretty personal. A personal dependence or unhealthy habit or past-time. That's great. Kids usually want to give up something they don't like: Bedtimes or vegetables or meatloaf.

I thought a little about it this year. I do feel pretty refined-sugar dependent, and sometimes it takes up the space of the healthy stuff in my diet... I have an insatiable sweet tooth and I can't deny it. But "giving something up" for Lent this year, as opposed to years past when I never did, felt funny. Kinda like it would feel funny to tell my dietitian that I was giving up something food-related. I went with not giving up any of my "vices" or whatever. I don't think enough before I speak to give up swearing. I like to go out for ice cream or fro-yo once in a while -can't keep that stuff in the house! I don't smoke or party excessively. I work excessively, but I don't think that quite qualifies as something to give up for Lent when one is a graduate student in the sciences.

If giving up uses loads of self-restraint and discipline, the opposite (which would literally be giving down, I guess), would be giving in to self-restraint or whatever it is that is disciplining one's behavior.

For Lent this year, I have decided to give in a little more. I'll give in to trying harder to eat the balanced meals prescribed by the dietitian. I'll give in to trying to get in the quantities she wants me to get as well, when I want more than anything to not do it. I'll give in to letting my body be healthy and happy and humming. I'm not pretending it's just that easy, by any means. I'm just giving in to giving it an actual solid effort. My I-always-give-up-sweets friend doesn't really eat vegetables. His version of this would be giving in to fixing vegetables X times per day. Requiring purchase at grocery, preparation for and execution of the preparation of raw form and/or cooked form, and consumption of prepared vegetables. Sounds a little more daunting than "Oh, I gave up sweets so I'll have this here strawberry-flavored yogurt for dessert instead."

It is an experiment of sorts. I'm giving in to giving myself the opportunity to fail, but also giving myself the opportunity to succeed. Something I've been wanting to try, but too scared to actually commit to. It's a multi-step challenge. Each step along the way is progress to a healthier me; instead of dreaming about the 41st day and getting back to whatever vice it was I gave up, I'll be continuing on the path of independence and satisfaction. It's still going to take a conscious and daily effort and discipline, just in a different way.

Maybe, just maybe, they were right when they said that it's all about moderation and balance. That baby-steps were okay, as long as they were steps. Small failures are inevitable. It's getting through them, and thus turning them into successes in some way, that makes the big fat epic life fail impossible.

Next up: My life as a grad student. I dream of PhD. Scien-terrific science.

Twenty-first

2010-02-19T12:58:00.002-06:00

This morning's run (of 25 minutes) began the first of a two-day running streak I get to embark on! Yes, that means tomorrow I get to run again!!! It will be for 30 min, and most likely on the indoor track at the Y. Depends on the weather and other things I have going on... Like protein purifications...

Twentieth

2010-02-15T18:23:00.002-06:00

Ooooohhh. Twenty posts!

Don't worry. This one is probably going to be just as unexciting as the rest. No promises, because I don't usually spend much time writing these blogs, and they end up a random string of thoughts on one or several things (probably another reason why I do not come up with descriptive titles).

Let's see... Valentine's Day. I generally love the holiday and it's cheesiness. I love people expressing their love for others more openly than they might normally. I can only hope that all people that do express their love in some special way on Valentine's Day truly feel the sentiment. I think that Valentine's Day does not have to be 14 February. In fact, I think it might be more fun and exciting to celebrate in a Valentine's-y sort of way on, say, 3 August. Why not? Although much can be said about the happy-cheery holiday occurring smack dab in the middle of the longest most miserable wintery month (especially in the non-coastal region that I'm presently residing), ever in the whole year.

Being single, still, I met my grad school bestie (she was smart and quit after our second year to go teach biology to Catholic high school girls who carry Kate Spade bookbags) in a town about halfway between us to celebrate our love... Of shoes and handbags and outlet mall deals! Her husband was on-call, and she'd be by herself otherwise!

After some excellent shopping -Bestie got a great dress and a couple tops, I got a long cozy sweater and a neon pink v-neck tee- We headed back towards my city and met up with some of my single gals for a Chocolate Festival Fundraiser for the local humane society. Delicious. I, of course, do a number on my poor stomach with the amount of chocolatey goodness that I try. A nice sushi dinner later sure helped settle things down after chocolate sampling and then wine tasting all afternoon. Phew!

Then I decided that I needed to share my love of people in sugar-cookie form. I have in my possession some sweet cookie-cutters, including lips, cupid, and several hearts of various shapes. They don't get used much (for obvious reasons), but I also had a need for using some extra tube frosting that I had from some previous bachelorette parties I'd helped host (I have a cookie cutter that is bachelorette party appropriate). Plus, I can't sit still while watching television, so cookie-baking it was!

I brought the freshly-decorated cookies into lab today and brought them around to everyone, including my 8 min ab group that I run mid-morning. So fun! The edible Valentines were always my favorite in elementary school. Fun Dip, lollipops, Sweethearts, etc. Well, maybe they were a close second to temporary tattoos and stickers, but you know what I mean.

Only to find out that today was Girl Scout Cookie Delivery Day!!!! Hooray!!! My purchases this year: Thin Mints, Trefoils, Do-Si-Do's, and Lemon Chalet Cremes. These will come in handy for lab meetings, as well as easy and tasty ways to make sure the starches and lipids get into my diet in enough variety. Let's just say that the Valentine's Day festivities aren't the norm in my life to any extent, that the Valentine's Day festivities were definitely laden with guilt, despite being terrifically fun. Being with people who set better examples for me in terms of life balance (including eating intuitively) is definitely good. And I am thankful, always.

Oh, yeah!!!! I got to run for 25 minutes non-stop today! Whoa baby! Good to know that I am now capable of running an entire 5 K. After all, I did sign up to run a half-marathon on 3 April! I've even got my lab undergrads in on the fun...

Science, oh science. I do love you when you work! You're lucky I love you when you don't work, too! Even if I might whine and complain a whole lot at the time.

Ninteenth

2010-02-10T09:10:00.001-06:00

Oh, Greek yogurt, how I love thee. Let me count the ways:

You are so taaaaaaaasteeeeeeey.
You were on sale for 10/$10 last week, and I fully took advantage. (I feel like I should apologize? Haha).
You have 13 g of protein in one 5.3 oz container.
You are thick and creamy and not runny or soupy. I can spoon you onto fruit and you will not easily drip off.
You fulfill an entire milk exchange with your deliciousness.
You fill me with your deliciousness, doing good things for my bones and GI system and muscles.
You are a wonderful vehicle for breakfast starches.
You remind me of Europe, you are Greek yogurt after all, but your flavor and texture combination allows me to appreciate and enjoy your freshness, instead of being just another yogurt from the grocery store.

Honey Oikos, where have you been all my life? How have I just discovered you now? Welcome to my life. I cannot wait to try your cousin flavors that are in my fridge. Breakfast just got a little better.

In an effort to introduce more milk to my diet, and not by means of ice cream, I have been playing with yogurt. And chocolate light soymilk, but I could go on about that forever. Hopefully, this will also help me get more starch in there as well. Good yogurt = want to taste flavor = don't want to mask with cereal = use more nutritionally potent granola instead of regular cereal = can get more starches in without it seeming like a million starches.

4x SDS PAGE sample buffer, how I am unhappy with you. Let me count the ways:

You are not tasty, or filled with any deliciousness whatsoever. In fact, you are not even remotely close to edible. But at least you will denature my protein samples.
When I tried to make you last night before I left you wouldn't go into solution, and when you finally did, you sure aren't looking like 4x SDS PAGE sample buffer. You look like snotty Malachite green ATPase assay colorimetric reagent. We'll see what happens when I pH you today. Hopefully you turn that lovely blue color.
Your recipe was just one more recipe that I had to double and triple check before I made you because I hadn't made you in lab yet, and we all know that old recipes in my lab are 75 % of the time unlikely to work.
You have lots of glycerol in you, and I hate pouring glycerol.
I have to aliquot you. And monkeys could aliquot.
Eventually you will stink like beta-mercaptoethanol. That stinks, but at least I'll know you'll be doing your job.
Even though I am super mad at you now, this list of reasons why is still filled with hope and potential for your success.

Today I'm also going to see Jesus Christ, Superstar, the musical!!! I have to miss yoga, but a Broadway show with friends is totally worth it!

Eighteenth

2010-02-06T15:39:00.003-06:00

Plane tickets to Maui.

I just spent a fair amount of time researching flights to Maui later this spring or early summer. One of my friends here is graduating from medical school in May and her parents have a condo on Maui. She wants to gather people to go play with her on the beach!

Did I tell you that I lived on Oahu for all of my middle school years? Also, one of my former swim teammates lives on Maui right now, taking care of endangered birds? I am so in for visiting Maui.

It snowed and snowed here yesterday. It was gorgeous, for sure, but I am so ready for spring! I am tired of having to shovel out my car every time I need to go somewhere. I am tired of waiting for it to defrost in the mornings! I am tired of being cold! Like every year here, these are the times I am warm:

Right when I wake up in the morning, before exiting the covers.
Mid- and post-workout, as long as it's not an outside run!
Right before I have to get out of the shower and step into the cold air.
Sitting in front of the space heater with the warm laptop on my legs.

I suppose the constant-temperature rooms at lab are an option, but that's just plain weird. Plus, they smell like bacteria. It's worse than sitting in a Starb's for too long and coming out with essence of coffee all over your clothing. Hehe. I have done this many a time. My best presentations were made in the Starb's close to campus.

I want Maui. I need Maui. Maybe it is time for some Jack Johnson and Colbie Caillat. I have a whole iTunes playlist called Beaches and Oceans for times like now!

Sand, palm trees, good friends, ocean, dolphins, swimming outside in the ocean, fresh fruit, fresh seafood, yummy drinks, flowers, local Hawaiian cuisine (li hing mui sour gummies and manapua, spam musubi), sunshine, sunglasses, less clothing, no clothing, slippahs, hiking, rainbows, sunshine, ocean, sand, palm trees, good friends...

Sigh.

To the girl that drafted off me on the indoor track at the Y: Are you joking me? It's an indoor track at 8 pm on a Saturday. Really necessary to catch up and then hang out 3 feet behind me? No. Thanks.

Seventeenth

2010-02-03T08:18:00.002-06:00

Dedicated to Mel's Recovery Sock Giveaway at Tall Mom on the Run. I really really really really want the pink ones. :o)

Sixteenth

2010-02-02T08:19:00.006-06:00

How I fell back in love with swimming over the winter.

This fall I had scheduled 3 marathons (I'd been running a bunch over the summer).

Mid-October in San Francisco.
3 weeks later in Indianapolis.
5 weeks later on the trails around the town I'm currently residing.

Late September/early October, noticed funky knee tightness, a twinge, if you will. Didn't pay any attention. Refuse to not run San Francisco race. Continue to notice funky knee tightness. Ice a bit, take a couple days off, Google running knee "things" until I convince myself that I could do a bunch of stretching/strengthening to get me through the race. Still refuse to not run SF.

Forced to cut first chilly run of the season (and last easy 6 miler 5 days out from SF) to 3 miles because my knee hurts. Lame sauce! Confess issue to friends/family also running in SF. Debate not running. Continue to stretch and transfer workouts to elliptical until I leave. Use 2 miler on treadmill in SF hotel to determine that I'm okay to start the race. Of course in my mind this means "If I have to crawl to the finish, I will finish. At least I know I can start out running slowly!"

Finish race surprisingly funky-pain free, other than the usual 26.2 mile exhaustion and soreness. Get excited. Continue to stretch. Walk around a lot to dislodge all the toxins to allow recovery. Take designated rest days from running. I think I needed fewer, but I stick with the plan. Begin recovery/re-taper workouts for Indy marathon. Hmm. Knee not exactly happy, but pain in shin/calf? WTF? Think it's just residual muscle fatigue. Continue relaxed and slow recovery running. Continue to notice refocusing of pain from knee to shin/calf. Doesn't feel like shin splints or calf strain. What is going on? Make call to university health center, expecting to get an immediate referral to physical therapy.

General physician waggles my knee around and takes an x-ray. Refers me to the orthopedist that visits once a week. Hooray for getting an appointment that week! Orthopedist waggles knee around, messes with leg bones. MRI of knee or 3-phase bone scan for stress fracture? Stress fractures can't be seen in early stages on general x-rays. Since the thing keeping me from running was the shin/calf issue, we go with bone scan.

The 3-phase bone scan is cool because you get shot-up with a radioactively labeled di-phosphate molecule that will get incorporated into your bones (that's where most the phosphate goes, to build your bones). Radiation detector detects gamma radiation, computer compiles pretty picture. First pictures immediately after getting the injection were of the label in my vasculature. I thought the coolest part was watching the monitors and raw data and seeing the label move down my legs and back up my legs as it coursed through my veins. Human body = Amazing.

Go to work. Wait 3 hours. Come back when label has been incorporated into bones. In areas where bone is growing significantly (like trying to heal a break, for example), the label will localize and the radioactive signal will be most intense. Cool. Lay back down under detector thing. Watch monitors. See bright spot keep appearing in legs. Hahaha. Obviously. Stress fracture in tibia. Check out compiled image. Big ole dark spot against a whitish-gray background. Fall in love with science more.

Go back to work because I can't do anything until the radiologist and orthopedist look at the scans, anyways. Realize that I'm literally radioactive. Get out Geiger counter and check. Confirmed! I am HOT. Think this is hilarious and show all my friends my new "stupid human trick." Empirically determine that I will not expose the undeveloped film we use for western blotting, and get on with life.

Hear from orthopedist: Stress fracture (obvi)! No running-elliptical-biking for three weeks. Swimming and aqua-jogging okay. Come in if you want to see the scans or if there's everyday pain and we'll put you in a boot.

Decide that I am definitely not reliable enough to stay inactive enough to let my tibia heal properly, on top of my job=studies requiring me to be on my feet at my bench or wandering around lab and science buildings most the time. Go get the boot, and a copy of my sweet scans. Boot 3 weeks. Follow-up x-ray at 6 weeks (now we're right before Christmas).
That's my sweet boot, above. Legs propped up on the hide-a-desk. My bench is in the corner in the back and I love it. Even though sometimes it's cold and I'm the only one without a window to look out of from my desk. I also don't have a bay-mate to bump backs with or that I have to share space with. Bwahaha.

During my time in the boot, I'm somewhat forced back in the pool. I get workouts online from a masters team I'm associated with at school, and they're pretty darn good for me at the speed I'm at now swimming-wise. Swimming-shape is not the same as running-shape. It's not easy at first, getting back in the water on a regular basis on your own. It took at least a week of daily swimming the whole workout each time. I tried the aqua-jogging, but it was far too boring.

Somewhere, it clicked. The swimming. I realized that I needed to get through the first 2000 m of the workout, no matter what it was, and then I'd be fine for the rest of it. I was swimming again. The "feel" had come back! I was overjoyed. Hooray!!! Then, I had to laugh at myself. I'd always hated on-your-own warmups before meets and such. My coaches always said to shoot for 1500-2000 m, and I generally hated every minute of it. Only now, do I actually realize that it was important, vital, for me to get all that yardage in (I always did, I just didn't like figuring out what to do with that yardage. Still don't), if I were going to swim fast.

Funny that it still takes that long to get into the groove. Interesting how it's about 30-35 minutes of swimming to get in the zone, and it's roughly the same amount of time as it takes me running to get in the zone. I figured that out last winter while I ran indoors. Human body = Amazing!

My love of swimming renewed, my love of running is being renewed (slowly, on days when the temp is above 35 deg F). Hopefully I can strike a good balance between the two that keeps everyone happy: My advisor (happy scientist = active scientist), my dietitian (happy exercise = happy eating), and me (happy mind = strong body = active body = active scientist).

I heart swimming.

Fifteenth

2010-01-30T21:37:00.002-06:00

When I began training for and running marathons, being the perfectionist that I am, I read all the fine print for the race that I had entered. I discovered that, at least at that time, no headphones were allowed. So I immediately made the deal with myself that I would not train with headphones for distances under 13 miles. That meant most runs had to be iPod-free. Thankfully, it was summer, so I was outside running every day and really needed to pay attention to traffic (and the occasional creeper). This worked well.

What I found in that iPod-free process was a raw love for running. A renewed love for sport in general. Something that I had while I was swimming, and lost when it was over. Side note: I don't think I'll ever call myself "retired," unless it's a forced retirement. I love the water too darn much. I'm sure at some point I'll designate a whole post to things I love about swimming, but not today. But I found it while I was running outside for crazy long distances doing workouts that rivaled the time of some of the longer swim workouts I did in college. It was good to be back. The race came, the race was finished, and then winter came.

Winter brought indoor running. Or elliptical-ing. Or treadmill-ing. In one place, or going around and around a 6.6-laps-per-mile track on a gym floor with carpeted walls so close that one almost feels like they're in a rat maze. The iPod was necessary. I started running for lengths of time as opposed to miles, because I'd never been a great lap counter, and if I'm unsure of my accuracy, I'd rather not know at all than be off by one. Plus, who can really say where 6.6 laps begins or ends? Ridiculous.

Various artists and playlists got me through the winter decently. The occasional swim did as well. I'll post some favorite running songs at some point, too. My love of running continued, despite slower paces on the treadmill, never getting that out-of-breath-enough feeling on the elliptical, and the rat-maze feeling of the track. Suggestion: For long runs indoors, mix it up. Treadmill for 30 min, track run for 30 min, back to treadmill, etc. Also good for ensuring water breaks. I was fully dependent on the iPod to get me through those workouts. I loved mixing playlists and all of a sudden coming across that one song that just gets you going. I loved hearing artists that I don't even remember having in my iTunes, and loving the "new stuff." My poor lab had to hear me karaoke to all the songs I knew the words to after awhile.

This is in addition to the usual amount of my poor singing they get on a daily basis, and in addition to anyone in the hallway getting to hear my lovely voice from the tissue culture room while I split my cells. They're lucky if they happen to pass and I'm mid-sweet-dance-move. Haha.

Spring marathon. Summer came, along with outdoor running (and sporadic outdoor swimming), and the iPod stayed in the lab with the iPod dock 99% of the time. Trained for what was to be my third, fourth, and fifth full marathons. Broke sometime before the third, but reallllly broke between the third and fourth, while recovering from the third with enough to keep me going through the fourth. More on the breakage later.

Heal. Slowly. Miss fall running. Now it's cold. Finally cleared to kinda sorta start running again. The great thing is that the treadmill and gym floor and elliptical (obvi) are better than outside on the asphalt, and definitely better than the cement sidewalks. The iPod is back, with some spectacular new tunes from one of my former teammates-turned-marathon buddy that runs the Nike Women's Marathon with me each October in San Francisco. More on that race later. Let me just say: Tiffany & Co. finisher necklaces presented to runners (both men and women, but mostly women), in little blue boxes on big silver platters carried by SF firemen wearing dashing tuxedos.

Today I head to the gym, with great anticipation for some good music and my 3 x (10 min run, 2 min walk) recovery run. Only to find, during my warmup, that the battery is dead. My mood has been a little sucky this week due to stress at work and stress at self, and not working out enough, which adds stress only because I know that when I do work out regularly, my mood is much better in general. I need that music, and those mini-runs.

I realize this is a ginormously long blog for one little statement that could be summarized in "I went to go running today but my iPod was dead, and I went anyways." But what I want to emphasize is that I did it anyways. Not only did I take the run, but I loved it just as much as if I actually had the iPod as a distraction. Maybe even more. I listened to my breathing, thought a little about my form, let myself get excited about "real" training as the weather improves. I let myself be thankful that I could run again pain-free, and that I could trust my body to heal. I relaxed in the gratitude I felt.

Here's a jump, but I see it as a valid reminder that sometimes little things and minor setbacks or disruptions make the big picture look impossible/boring/dreadful/pointless/etc. All you have to do is take that first step forward towards that goal anyways, to remind yourself that you are actually capable, that it wasn't that small thing that you were passionate about in the first place, that the big picture isn't ruined... Note to self...

Fourteenth

2010-01-28T12:02:00.003-06:00

Cleared for half-marathon in April. Just need to get up the courage to actually sign up for it! I will not break again. I am training and will continue to train responsibly. I am getting my calcium. The dietitian is making sure of that.

I wish it weren't so gosh darn cold here! I am ready ready ready for spring. The days are getting longer, and I am fully appreciative. Every time the sun comes out (even though the temps are lower), I love it. I wish that I didn't have to ice-pick my way into my car or dust it off or wait for it to warm up and defrost every day. Or, walk in the frigid temperatures to school.

I cannot possibly wait to run outside. In the morning. I cannot wait to not haul forty layers of clothing everywhere I go, and have my nose constantly dripping.

Mostly, I truly cannot wait for the humidity to come back. My poor body can't handle the cold dry air outside, and the cold dry air inside. Sweating kinda grosses me out, when you swim you don't notice it as much, but I love running. Outside when you get all sweaty and gross, but you run fast enough to feel the air resistance "wind" on your face and body so you don't notice how gross you really are until you start to cool down. Love it. Even though I think it's fully gross. Love it!

Thirteenth

2010-01-27T03:08:00.006-06:00

I need to get out more and interact with people. I used to talk to everyone... Okay, I still do this, to those I know. However, I also used to smile at everyone I passed, and if I happened to pass you every day (or every Monday, Wednesday, Friday or Tuesday, Thursday, or whatever) due to class/work schedules, you bet I'd start actually saying "hello."

Once I'd been in grad school for a while, those habits mentioned above seemed to wear off a little. I mean, I made small-talk and "hello" friends with the people I see all the time: Secretaries and administrative assistants, certain faculty members in my building, certain lab workers in my building, the Stockroom people. Side note: The most important people to befriend in any job are the facilities/janitorial people and the secretaries/administrative assistants. They never get enough credit, yet they are the people that know the answers and do most of the work. They'll know where to start what you want to do.

Back to the point. Unfortunately, I've discovered that I don't do the random "catch-their-eye-and-smile" passerby type of hellos, and I don't want to socialize with the people I'm sitting next to on the plane, or even the people that I recognize and could easily have "hello-how-are-you" or "see-you-every-day-but-don't-know-your-name" type of conversations.

Basically, I feel like I've been spending too much time not making eye contact and walking with my eyes focused on the destination or the ground, but not people or the world, just myself. I'm interacting only with people that I'm already friends with or that will take the least amount of effort to interact with on my part.

I've forgotten, it seems, that it is the small things that make the day seem bright. That the one of the best ways to feel better or brighten a mood is to accidentally (or on purpose) brighten someone else's day and to share whatever cheery mood you have or can muster up with someone else. Seriously. It comes back in multitudes.

Ugh, grad school is sucking or already has sucked out pieces of my soul, and I need to get them back. Cultivate those lost pieces. I miss them! Jerk-face grad school. Watch out, here comes Ms. Nice Girl! The above mentioned old habits I used to have don't take much time or energy, just a little life gusto and willingness to share. I think I've gotten caught up with myself in a field that doesn't necessarily handle that kind of interaction well. Therefore, as I expend more and more energy, it's harder and harder to receive it from my surroundings (lab, advisor, department). Sad face for losing such a small way to care about my fellow humans!

Blogger needs a better hot-pink colored font. Is this better? Nope, too red. How about this one? Nope, too light. For the record, my soul in generic font colors is most definitely bright pink, maybe with alternating yellow/gold letters, but for now I'll choose that lovely blue color.

And I need to get back to my slides...

Twelfth

2010-01-25T14:04:00.004-06:00

The spelling of "twelfth" sure is odd. Look at it. Twelfth. It sits funny with me.

I have to present group meeting on Wednesday, which means I'll probably blog a dozen or so times between now and then as I procrastinate like the champion procrastinator I am. It's really not a big deal, but I get so bored working on presentations, and going over my old data that tells absolutely nothing of a story. Sigh.

On the upside, it's snowing today, only expected to accumulate 0.5 inch, which is fine with me. In fact, anything is fine with me, as long as it stays above freezing. This weekend we hit 50 deg F at some point and it was amazing. I am so ready for spring!

Today I get to run like this: 10 min run, 2 min walk, 10 min run, 2 min walk, 10 min run. Hooray! Because it's indoors, I allow myself to use the iPod.

I also get to do yoga. My newest love. I really like it when we get to do the tough bendy poses that make you almost if not actually fall on your face or bum. Nothing like some quality time feeling like a fool with four or five other people (I have a small class) doing the same thing!

All of this is among the copious amounts of science I have to do. Sometimes I wish I had actual set hours instead of the totally random do-whatever-it-takes-to-get-it-done-even-if-you-sleep-in-the-lab-sometimes schedule that I actually have.

This weekend I went to the winery that's closest to my school and had a wonderful afternoon with the girls. We get awfully silly. I had even baked some whole wheat bread, which turned out pretty darn well. I discovered this useful fact about my oven: Even though the middle rack appears to sit high in the oven, it actually doesn't. The bread will come out more evenly cooked if it's on the middle rack and not the one just below it.

Eleventh

2010-01-23T20:51:00.002-06:00

I switched the Blogger name back to the same one of my first blog. I really liked the name of my first blog, so Shells in the Ocean is back. Hopefully it'll not creep me out as much that people I don't know, or know and don't know are reading, are reading about me. I realize I'm in control of this, but this whole blogging thing is kinda fun. I'm a control freak in a Type A extreme sort of way. I do a decent job hiding it on a day-to-day basis these days, but it's not exactly easy to change one's personality...

Anywho, my college besties always called me Shells, and my middle school gymnastics team in Hawaii liked to cheer Shell on the beach. I'm kinda obsessed with the ocean (primarily the Pacific, but I'm willing to give the Atlantic a chance, just haven't had the opportunity yet), and navigating grad school and an academia-destined career path is not exactly an easy sail. Plus I don't want to give up swimming and athletic goals and such... So, the desire to continue to eat like an athlete keeps me somewhat motivated as well, but whatevs.

I'm not sure if followers to the old blog will remain the same and the new posts will be linked. If I know you in real life, let me know that you can see this! If I don't know you in real life, let me know that you can see this! :o)

For those that know the old blog, and catch up with this one:

Blog = not life advertisement. Gossip stinks, and my family is great at it. So is my hometown. The only people who know about this are people I've found through their own blogs. I'm not advertising this on my Facebook, because here I can vent with a little more freedom.
Running = backseat for a little while. Stress fracture sometime in October prevented second and third Fall marathons from being completed, and recovery is slow for such a "wimpy" injury and I'm still nervous.
Science = lovely, if anyone asks.
Swimming = welcomed me back with open arms. Even the snork. And pull sets, surprisingly enough. Haha.

Clearly I have some issues with privacy. Mostly, I just prefer not to be talked about, but talked to. If I were that concerned about who was reading, I'd probably turn the blog to private. Let me know you're reading, though! Why not? Okay, thanks, bye!

Edit: New Google account created specifically for this blog not linked to my personal email. I am liking this much much more. Phew! Sometimes I am quite ridiculous.

Tenth

2010-01-22T14:10:00.001-06:00

Today I went to a workshop during lunch (you betcha, there was free lunch). It was on creating your personal career map. Sounds interesting, yes? As in, look at yourself and your career and determine which steps to take to make it align more with your values and goals and personality. Or, determine what type of environment is best aligned with your goals and personality.

Uggghhhhh. What happened was that about 20 min into the workshop, I had discovered that I was in the presence of too much estrogen (the workshop was put on by the Women's Affairs Office), and that most of this estrogen was in the form of middle-aged, married with children, non-faculty type of women. I am a big fan of being adaptable, however I had discovered that the woman leading the workshop was actually adapting the workshop to the audience. I suppose that's how a workshop is supposed to go. Perhaps I was a bit to naive and biased to think that the Women's Affairs Office caters to more than just the women faculty. I do know who gets the work done at academic institutions, and it's definitely not the faculty that keep the place running.

I think I was more turned off by the whole "my husband, my children, no me-time, I feel guilty taking me-time, blah blah blah" than anything else. And the fact that the first thing anyone thinks of when it comes to self-improvement or me-time is fitness, and getting into shape and losing weight. "Be healthy." "Set a good example for your kids." Who says she wasn't doing this already? She was talking about guilt. Don't make her feel guilty for not working out, or for wanting more than to just work out and be physically healthy. In seventh grade health class I learned that there is physical health, mental health, and social health. A triangle. Maybe only now am I realizing and experiencing the true interconnectedness of the triangle, but I always knew that each of the three parts existed, and that there were different ways to cultivate each one.

There was an exercise about reflecting on your accomplishments and how it's supposed to make you feel better about yourself and give you a self-esteem boost when you realize what you've done, the skills you cultivated and used, and the obstacles or problems you overcame in the process. That was when I deduced the whole workshop to career group counseling. Then again, I felt like I was the only person in the whole room who couldn't come up with two accomplishments in the past five years, let alone ten to fill in all ten blanks on the worksheet. FMITS. Let's remember that I already am doing this in a very very small way every day as part of my therapy homework.

I felt bad for the male photographer who was there taking pictures, yet as I overheard bits of his conversation on the phone on the way out, I had to laugh. It really did feel like a whiny women's bitch-and-knit meeting overall. Only instead of knitting, it was work.

Ninth

2010-01-13T08:58:00.000-06:00

There is nothing wrong with a great pair of shoes, even if you're a scientist, and said shoes could be deemed "impractical" for lab work. Sometimes you have to stick it to the experiments, and just throw on the lab coat over whatever spectacular outfit you decided on that day.

And if you've never worn Ugg boots, your feet are probably not as comfy warm as mine are. My feet don't get cold during seminar, or while walking from building to building.

Just because you do not want to be mistaken for an undergraduate does not mean that you don't get to excuse yourself from having any sense of style whatsoever. Once upon a time, you were also an undergraduate and followed the trends. You just stuck with whatever trend you were on when you graduated, and haven't changed since. Ponder that. Is it really necessary to flaunt our old age (even if that isn't even close to thirty yet) and our dedication to the lab by not changing our appearance, even though we used to all the time no more than four years ago?

Coco Chanel said "Fashion fades, only style remains the same."

What's your style? Have you found it yet?

It is easy to get stuck in a rut, or be ridiculously scrubby in graduate school. I regularly fall in the trap of wearing gym clothes every day because they're not as likely as my cashmere sweater to have chemicals spilled on, they're easy to layer, are easy to care for, and nothing beats old running shoes in terms of comfortable and supportive footwear.

I still love to buy myself a great pair of shoes, some hot underoos, and a new pair of bum-friendly jeans every now and then. Why should that change because I'm in grad school? It wouldn't if I were in medical school or in law school, and definitely not business school. Hmpf.

Eighth

2010-01-07T18:41:00.001-06:00

I figured out why 2010 is going to be a big year for me, and it is not entirely my making. Rephrase: I had a meeting with my advisor yesterday about my project and where it will be going over this upcoming semester, and it was far and promised to "overwhelm me with success."

I had to laugh a little inwardly, as it's all based on getting this one thing accomplished that I have yet to figure out (an extremely tricky purification of an active enzyme). I must admit it is nice to finally have him back "on my case" a little and wanting to move my project and my career along with me. This is in complete opposition to how it has been in the recent couple of years where it has me directing myself - and the rest of his lab - to get anything accomplished.

Whether or not to believe him is another story, but I'm always a fan of well-intentioned pep talks. Let me elaborate...

At some point during undergraduate, a swim teammate told me that when she's having a horrible time in practice, just tired or stressed from school or whatevs, she liked to find someone else on the team who could use some encouragement and happiness, and give them a shout out and make it her project to have the selected person enjoy the practice. The spontaneous burst(s) of energy usually got that person going, if not anyone else who heard. I wasn't joking when I said shout out and encouragement! The person giving the shout out, the one who needed a pick-me-up herself, benefited by getting the stress and exhaustion out in a positive way, and making someone's practice better in the process.

What I'm getting at, in my own long and drawn out way, is that I love to do this all the time (only now it's in lab or grad school or whatever situation, and not at practice). But it only works for so long before your own "practice" could stand to be the "project" for someone elses' encouragement. A PhD is a long time. I'm the only grad student in my lab, the only full time employee in my lab. No technicians or postdocs. Just me and our smattering of undergrads that come in occasionally, make a big mess, and leave. There's no one to make my day their project once in a while, other than the Principal Investigator (PI).

Therefore, I'll take whatever encouragement and pep-talks I can get. Even if they seem pretty far-fetched and unrealistic. Someone believing that my experiments will work, and I'll get all sorts of fun exciting data sure makes me feel better about doing the failing experiments every day...

I think 2010 will be a big year for me because:

I have a set of new sub-projects moving to the front burner that will get me data.
I have a collaborator/committee member willing to help me get them started (the great news is that because I'm the only one in my lab, I have pretty much free reign over the money).
The rest of my committee thinks it's a good idea and commends me for getting the ball rolling in such a brave way.
I have spectacular outside mentoring that will hopefully lead to a spectacular postdoc.
Seriously train to qualify for the Boston Marathon. Well, train seriously enough to qualify.
I'm trying to confront some problems that are holding me back.

My therapist likes me to document an Accomplishment-of-the-Day, something I did that demonstrates to myself that I'm not a failure and that I don't suck at life. One day it'll be a habit and I'll apparently discover that I actually do not suck at life. I welcome the change.

Seventh

2010-01-04T08:28:00.000-06:00

2010 is going to be great. A big exciting year for me. I know it. Because I'm going to make it happen. Get excited, people. There's going to be a lot to talk/blog about!

However, the first Monday of the new year would be even better if there were a new comic up at Piled Higher and Deeper, (PhD Comics). Click Refresh - Click Refresh - Click Refresh.

Who am I? I am a solid combination of each character one encounters at PhD Comics. The undergrads in the lab tell me. The advisor (who loves PhD comics, oddly enough) tells me. Welcome to grad school!

Sixth

2010-01-02T19:39:00.001-06:00

Happy New Year!

I was quite pleased with how it started off... Brunch consisting of homemade buttermilk blueberry pancakes, cinnamon-swirl French toast, sharp cheddar cheesy eggs, hash browns, bacon, and delicious mimosas! The only slight downer for some may have been the instant coffee. My coffee maker lives at the lab, and all I had in the fridge was the instant I had purchased to make this super delicious coffee-chocolate layer cake with mocha mascarpone frosting from the Bon Appetit Magazine website. I, for one, quite like instant coffee and have been happily using it as my caffeine source on days I don't head straight to lab in the mornings. It was for this reason that I am particularly excited for my French press coffee maker to arrive from home. I got it for Christmas this year, but didn't want to risk breakage on the way back. I'm excited for the "velvety smooth texture" that is supposed to be the result of a French press, which I'm convinced is what I like about the instant variety

Anyways...

The other great thing about the start of the New Year was my very first run on cement/pavement since the stress fracture in my tibia late October. I was cleared to start running again right before I went home for Christmas, but had stuck to the soft ground, fancy tracks, and treadmills since. Yesterday I ventured out on a freezing cold, but sunny 3 x (10 min run, 2 min walk) that took me just about 4 miles. Running outside is so much more enjoyable than running inside, in my book. Even with the comfort of a personal television indoors... Which I don't have at home or the gym, but would consider a great thing to have if you have it.

I'm okay with just numbering my posts, as I don't think I could come up with a creative or descriptive title. I have a bad habit of switching topics frequently, so a non-descriptive title is really nonbinding for both the content of the blog overall, but for each post I randomly compose!

Re-reading my post: I love flipping pancakes. And stirring. When the recipe says to "not over mix," it's a huge challenge to my scientific nature and to bring solutions or emulsions to homogeneity prior to use. I welcome that challenge, because the science of baking requires that sometimes it is a good thing to keep the lumps in the batter. Like that layer cake I mentioned. If you over mix the icing, it curdles! And then it's definitely not as appealing. :o)

Fifth

2009-12-31T14:01:00.004-06:00

The YMCA where I presently work out closed early today, at 1 pm. So I showed up at 11:30ish hoping to get in a solid 30 min on the elliptical and then an hour in the pool. Shouldn't be a big deal, right? I mean, I ate breakfast this morning and everything. I was ready to go! It's not the New Year yet, so people shouldn't be starting New Years' resolution to get in shape or lose weight or whatever, yet.

Boy, was I surprised to see every single elliptical was booked! I got stuck on a bike. Not a bad thing, I guess. I had a paper to read and biking is the easiest way to read and exercise at the same time. Plus, if I want to do decently at triathlons this summer, then I should probably do a few bike workouts here and there. The bike as the workout option wasn't bad, really. Aside from it making my legs tired and sore, it apparently burns fewer calories than the elliptical according to the unreliable calorie-counters, but I digress. I got my sweat on and called it good 30 min later.

Head straight to the pool. I love swimming after doing whatever land workout I'm "supposed" to do because it's like a built-in shower, stretching session, and extended cool-down. Never mind that it's totally different after you max out in the weight room, but whatev. Swimming is so supportive of the body and gliding through the water is an amazing feeling. Like flying. Even though the Y pool is super warm and reminds me of my undergrad pool only with poorer lighting, there is nothing that can beat a good swim in my book.

Ugh. Every. Lane. Was. Full. And by full, I mean will require the people presently in the lane to circle-swim. For those of us who have been on swim teams before, or swim at crowded lap swim times, we already know how to circle, pass people, and be aware of our lane mates. The Y pool is seldom like this, so there are many people that would actually wait for a lane to open rather than get in and force two people who are splitting the lane to start circle-swimming. No joke.

Thankfully, one of the Y employees recognized me as an "experienced" swimmer (haha, reminds me of the guy at the university pool who thought I was a current D1 swimmer), and recommended I get in this lane that was moving at a more lightning-fast pace than the one I was about to get in with fewer people-I was a little scared to get in. Supposedly there was this guy who was an Olympic Trials qualifier swimming in it and apparently I'm at that level, too (Yeah, not at all). So I got in anyways. I know how to be the slow person in the fast lane. It was mostly good. Except for a random older gentleman who didn't pay attention to his lane mates. But you can't have everything.

First of all, the fast guy really helped establish a solid circle-swim. I couldn't keep up with him, obviously, but he was big and made lots of waves and could be intimidating if you saw him coming at you. That never happens for me. People have a tendency to like to push off directly in front of me, even though I'll need to run them over in about three seconds. Second of all, I got to move over to split a lane after about 15 min or so, which meant no more disruptions for me! A crowded Y pool never lasts long. Third of all, I had a better view of the fast guy's workout strategy for the day. Seeing him swim a couple fast 25's got me jazzed to do the same.

And I remembered what it was like to swim fast. I wonder if that fast guy always trains at the Y, and when, and if he wants someone to swim with. Well, commiserate on hard workouts, perhaps. I'm not anywhere near fast anymore.

On another note, apparently most people in the real world don't work out more than an hour a day. I would like to believe I could be content with a no more than 1.5 hour swim and a marathon-training (intermediate level) run per day. So what if it's two workouts, and it totals 3 hours sometimes? It's my extracurricular activity, my hobby. Right? How do you know when it becomes a problem? Does training for races and meets become a problem after food becomes a problem? Why can't I be a great PI one day and a great marathon runner, too? I have thus far successfully transferred all of my stress and anxiety about school to myself and my self-worth. Way to go, champ.

But holy cow, do I love to swim. Wishing you a happy and healthy beginning to 2010!!

Fourth

2009-12-30T15:42:00.000-06:00

A long time ago we all learned the common practice of cleaning up after ourselves. It was probably preschool or kindergarten and involved wet paintings and paintbrushes or markers or safety scissors. It goes along with "sharing."

Why, oh why, is it possible that people can unlearn this habit?

It is one thing to not clean your room. But what about things you share with others? Like dishes. Like gel plates. Like precious shelf space in the fridge at work. Last one to leave for vacation? Take out the trash. Finished your rotation? Put away the books you got off the shelf and clean out your gross samples from the fridge or freezer. By all means, please clean off the bench you used. I'm not your mother. Fixed dinner? Clean up the stove and the counter top you spilled on. Putting one's fingers in grease splatters when turning on the stove is like turning a wet door knob. Gross. In a research laboratory, it is ten-thousand times more gross. Who knows what chemical was being used, or where that sample came from?

My mother always told me to leave things better than I found them. Note to self: Invest in finding and framing that poster you saw in that one classroom, based on that Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten book. Hang said poster in lab when I become a principal investigator myself.

Third

2009-12-19T16:19:00.000-06:00

I'm a fifth year PhD student in the life sciences at a large university in the Midwest. I am from the Northwest. Far far away from home. That means that once in a while, like this year, I am not able to make it home to see my family for Thanksgiving. I am going home for Christmas, however.

This far along in my PhD, I find myself just wanting to survive the time at home, get as much quality reading done as possible, and wear the comfy-est clothes possible. Not that I don't love my family. I do. I love shopping for Christmas presents for them that mean something, that they will each appreciate and enjoy. It is just hard to go home, let go of the work and things I take care and deal with in lab and at school, and not bite anyone that asks how work is going, when I'm going to graduate, or feigns caring about what I do on a daily basis.

My conversation skills have dwindled outside the academic community, it seems. But really, I love hearing and listening to other people's stories and lives and updates. I would just not rather share my own. It makes me antsy because they're so depressing. Total buzz kill. Who really wants to hear that everything I've been though in my graduate career has led me to seeing a therapist, and the most recent addition, the dietitian? Because not only can I barely take care of my science and the failing project my advisor is convinced is going to lead to big things (never put all your eggs in the same basket, Rookies, don't fall in that trap), but I can barely take care of myself!

You, unknown reader, won't be hearing about my horrible grad school experience in this blog post. Sorry. It'll come out eventually, I'm sure. I have great stories from all parts of grad school: Choosing a lab, qualifying examinations, advisors that turn administrative, graduating labmates and being the only one left, salvaging failing projects, getting travel money, Graduate Recruitment Weekends from the grad student perspective, convincing your advisor that the only way to save your project and degree is through approaches he never ever dreamed of, and last but not least, dealing with department politics.

Second

2009-12-11T10:37:00.000-06:00

The holiday season brings lots of interesting activity to graduate student life. Here, I chronicle some basics on how I approach school-sponsored holiday activities. I am a big fan of acquiring free stuff. Food is a major component of "free stuff" at the end of the semester and before the holidays.

No longer an undergraduate, the "grad students only" sponsored events and activities dwindle significantly. Once in a while I wish I could still participate in undergraduate activities and not feel compelled to devote significant amounts of time-I-do-not-have or feel overwhelmingly guilty for not doing something else at that that time... Working (good for the degree progress), working out (good for the body and good stress reliever) or hanging out with grad school friends (good and important for the soul and emotional well-being, as well as important for keeping social skills in tact). This eliminates a significant number of holiday parties, and a lot of awkward situations.

The very very few "grad students only" sponsored events are generally minimally attended. Unless one spends a significant amount of energy rallying his or her close-knit friends or lab partners, these aren't necessarily worth attending. Overriding everything, as always, is the quality and quantity of free food and/or free alcohol at these events.

In my book, the best bet for good food and good entertainment is the department holiday party. My advisor is affiliated with three departments at our school, and in my four years here (three in his lab), I have sufficiently been able to put myself on all the department email lists, and therefore get invited to all the holiday parties. Often, these are lunch events, but the occasional one is an evening or late afternoon social hour/hors d'oeuvres event.

The downfall to department holiday parties is also that they are large. While this usually means better food (due to more money being spent than say, a grad student or undergrad organization party), it also means one will most likely end up conversing with that other grad student no one likes, or that one crazy faculty member. In a worst case scenario, one would end up sitting with either or both of the mentioned crazies. And by crazy I mean things like: talking about their science while eating, talking about your science while they eat and you try to answer their questions in ways they would understand, lack of talking period, extreme social awkwardness, lack of tact or social awareness, etc.

Last year, two of my three departments had holiday luncheons. Both had hot lunches, and both were on the same day, at roughly the same time. The larger of the two departments always has a large line, and always runs out of food (or at least the good desserts) fairly quickly, so I knew I had to get through that one early. Being the larger department, no one would notice if I were to wander through the food line, say hello and "Happy Holidays" to people, and continue moving out of the large room with my full plate of food. Where am I going? Back to the lab's food refrigerator to store my first-lunch for later. Then it's off to the smaller department hoiday party where people would notice if you don't show up when you said you would. A smaller department, there is a smaller group of grad students with which to sit, and for the most part it's pretty relaxed. The faculty aren't anywhere near as crazy because the department weeds them out before they can get tenure.

The third department prefers a Friday evening social hour, complete with free booze. The key here is to volunteer to be on the cleanup committee. This means that if there is leftover booze, you can take some of it home. Same goes with the food. Or you can sit in the room where the mixer was held, play Christmas music, and drink as much as you wish there. This year we even had a "Holiday Sweater Contest" of which I was the winner. Let's just say that I completed my outfit with crimped hair and Christmas leggings that I found in the Target Girls' Department. I'm classy. What can I say?

That's a lot of free food. But what about said "entertainment?" People-watching, my friend. Nothing is more entertaining than watching grown scientists being social and friendly in the absence of alcoholic beverages, except, maybe, for watching grown scientists being social and friendly in the presence of alcoholic beverages. That, however, is sometimes a little unnerving as well!

First

2009-12-01T22:18:00.001-06:00

Grad school has found me at an interesting point in my life. I don't regret the decision to pursue a PhD in the sciences. I am particularly glad I did, actually.

I have a lot to say about the process. I love academia. I want to stay in academia, get an academic post-doc, and then a faculty position at a university. At the same time, there is so much about the process that I don't understand. Okay, I understand it, I just don't understand why.

Thus, the title of the blog. There's navigating science, as a researcher. Then there's navigating to a PhD, as a student, with an advisor, a project (well, sometimes I think it's a project), and a thesis committee. And then there's life: As an athlete, a single person, with standards probably a little too high for herself and everyone else, as a social person loving to spend time with everyone and experience everything that the world has to offer. I'm convinced it's not only in science.

It is an adventure I'll share pieces of as I swim through it all. Finding balance, being happy with myself, and making the best of my circumstances, while accomplishing my goals in the process.

Enjoy. Or don't. Whatev!